Burglars are becoming very clever these days. Last night, my wife woke me up.. Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!! So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
God and Adam are walking through the garden of Eden when Adam asks God "God,why did you make Eve so soft?" God answers Adam and states "Adam, so you will love her." Adam then asks, "why did you make her so beautiful?" God answers Adam and states "well Adam like I said it is so that you will love her." Adam then turns to God and states "okay, but why did you make her so ditsy? God answers Adam stating, "well Adam...that is so she will love you!"
There was a Y.P. phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Yooper guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Yooper guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in." The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!" “Oh Yah,” said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!"
Technology for Country Folks 1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter. * 2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. * 3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove. * 4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk. * 5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood. * 6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood. * 7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. * 8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time. * 9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time. * 10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside. * 11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season. * 12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do. * 13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. * 14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag. * 15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields. * 16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. * 17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. * 18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys. * 19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs. * 20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. * 21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof. * 22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine. * 23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all" * 24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks. * 25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
A couple of Yoopers go out deer hunting and get themselves a nice buck with a good size rack. While dragging it back to their truck, they're stopped by a conservation officer who checks their tags and all. Finding everything in good order, he congratulates them on such a nice buck. But, he says, "Let me give you some advice boys. I think you'll find it easier if you wrap a rope around the antlers and drag it from that end." So the C.O. leaves and they follow his advice and start dragging the buck. About a half hour later Toivo says to Eino, "Ya know Eino, dat C.O. vas right, eh? It's a whole lots easier draggin' dis vay." "Ya, dat's right, eh?" Eino replies, sounding a little concerned. "But ya know, ve're gettin' furder un furder from da truck."
Yooper - someone who lives on Michigan's Upper Peninsula (U.P.). Technically, according to most Yoopers, you are not actually a Yooper unless you were born on the U.P. And if you were born there, you are always a Yooper even if you are not actually living there at the time, eh?
Not coming from the Upper Peninsula I have always assumed it to be a slow minded fellow from the UP. When I live in NW Minnesota they called us Norwegians.
On the U.P., the characteristic, non-politically correct ethnic joke involves Finlanders. The old Suomi Synod of the Lutheran Church was for Finlanders. They established what is now Finlandia University in Hancock, Michigan.
Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then he said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him the money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "watch your damned speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine?"
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. All great discoveries are made by mistake. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. All's well that ends. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. The first myth of management is that it exists. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. New systems generate new problems. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File." Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order. In designing any type of construction, no overall dimen- sion can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. The only perfect science is hind-sight. Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. When all else fails, read the instructions. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Everything that goes up must come down. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management. Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
I'm going to have to steal a few of these and put them at the bottom of my signature block for my work email.... I'm a part time IT Nerd for my Division and more than a few people will get a chuckle out of them! Oly
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey buddy you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arg, its drivin me nuts"
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied. (It's nice to see a blonde winning...once in awhile.)
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
With both ears very red, the blonde went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?" "The idiot called back!"
