A man is on his death bed and making his wishes known to his kids. "Gary, I want you to have the houses in Buckhead." "Tommy, I want you to have the houses in Sandy Springs." "Mary, you can have the houses in Marietta." "Kenny, you can have the houses in Kennesaw." The attending nurse commented, "It is nice that he is sharing his wealth with the family." The wife replied, "He's not wealthy. He has a window washing business."
This is in response to all the politics we are seeing these days. What is the difference between a horse race and a political race? In a horse race, the entire horse runs.
I walked into a bar and asked for something cold and full of gin. Bartender brought out his mother-in-law.
A high-powered attorney ended up in the hospital for a few days and let’s just say, he was not the ideal patient. He barked orders, whined about everything, and treated the nurses like they worked for him personally. Most of the staff had just about had it with him… except the head nurse. She’d seen it all – and she wasn’t about to take any nonsense. One morning, she marched into his room and said, “I need to take your temperature.” He groaned, huffed, and puffed for five solid minutes, then finally opened his mouth like he was doing her a favor. “Oh no,” the nurse said with a sweet smile. “This reading can’t be done orally.” More complaining. More whining. But finally, with a dramatic sigh, he rolled over and presented the royal backside. She inserted the thermometer and said, “Perfect. Now, don’t move – I’ll be right back.” Then she walked out… and left the door WIDE open. People passed by. Some snickered. Others laughed out loud. The attorney stewed in silent humiliation. Twenty minutes later, the doctor walked in, took one look, and blinked. “What on earth is going on here?” he asked. The attorney, red-faced and furious, snapped, “Well?! Haven’t you ever seen someone getting their temperature taken?!” The doctor paused, tilted his head, and said… “Sure… just never with a feather duster!!!”
A fellow was in a coffee shop and opened a birthday card with a 20 dollar bill in it. As he left, he noticed a homeless guy sitting in a doorway. He scratched out his name and wrote, "Godspeed" on the envelope and gave it to the guy. Two days later, he was going into the coffee shop when the homeless guy gave him a stack of money. "Thanks, Godspeed won in the third race."
OMG I heard the most inappropriate joke I have heard in many years the other day. I don't think the joke works typing it out.
Teacher: Junior, why are you always late every morning? Junior: Every morning, my father takes me out in the ocean for a two mile swim. Teacher: Isn't that a long way for a little boy? Junior: Naw, getting out of the sack is the hard part.
