This is from a devout Catholic friend. Two priests died and went to heaven. St. Peter met them at the pearly gates. "You fellows have been outstanding servants to the church. I can grant a wish for each of you to last one year." The first one said, "I was in the Rocky Mountains and watched an eagle soar over the mountains and valleys. I want to be an eagle." "Granted." The second one said, "I want to be a stud." "Granted." One year passed and the first one showed up at the pearly gates. "So how was the year?" "Great! I soared over the Rocky Mountains from one end to the other. By the way, where is the other guy?" "Last we heard he was a 2x4 in Kansas City."
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an <deleted>. 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafhalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn when you discover half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass..' 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Cannibals caught a missionary and were getting ready to put him in the pot of water. One can running up. "You can't boil him!" "And why not?" "I checked his credentials and he is a friar."
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest asked. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison.... "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence.... One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, "Put the beads away Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
The Japanese needed a name for a car company and quickly. They called the Germans and offered them $100 million if they could come with a name by the next day. The German said "Dat soon?!". The Japanese said thank you and hung up.
BUTTER GARLIC MUSHROOMS! Angela wanted to serve her guests 'Butter Garlic Mushroom' for the Party in the evening. But she had no mushrooms, and the store didn't have any. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms growing wild down by the nearby stream?" "Some wild mushrooms are poisonous?" "I see squirrels eating them and they're OK." So, Angela went and picked a bunch and washed, sliced and cooked them for the dinner. Then she gave a little of the mushroom to Brutus, their dog. Brutus ate every bite. She watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him. The meal was a great success. After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mom, Brutus is dead." Angela told her to be quiet while she decided what to do. The guests were dear to her. She called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I can take care of it. But keep the guests calm." Before long they heard the sirens of an ambulance. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. By midnight, the last one was done the doctor left. The hosts and the guests were all drained and weak and were sitting around the living room. The daughter came in and said to her mom.... "He lives at the end of our street." "Who?" "The guy who ran over Brutus with his truck."
Two guys possessed room temperature IQs. They wanted to counterfeit bills so they decided on a $15 bill. "Ain't no such a thing!" "Hide and watch." He went into a bank to get a bill changed. "Look, those people at the bank didn't even look at the bill. I got two 6s and a 3."
Jack walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM and sits next to a blonde just as the 10:00 news comes on. A man is on the ledge of a tall building about to jump. The blonde asks, “Do you think he’ll jump?” Jack: “I bet he will.” She: “I bet he won’t.” ♀️ They each put $30 on the bar. Sure enough, the man jumps. Upset, she hands Jack her $30 and says, “Fair’s fair…” Jack replies, “I can’t take your money — I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news.” ⏰ She says, “So did I… but I didn’t think he’d do it again.” Jack still took the money.
A farmer comes home from the doctor's office and tells his wife all about it. "Doc told me about this thing called underwear. 'Pparently more hygienic or sumpin. So I bought some and gon' put em on the morrow." So next day, he is plowing the field with the tractor and he feels the urge of a number two. So he squats down behind the tractor and lets go. Looking behind him, he says to himself, "Wowie, that's sumpin, ain't no log lyin' there, really is more hygienic, ain' it." He sits back in his tractor seat and notes to himself, "...and nice and warm too!"
A fellow was driving a country back road. He noticed a farmer plowing with horses. Hadn't seen that in years. As the farmer made the turn, the seat of his bib overalls was gone. He stopped and waited at the fence. "Say, why is the seat of your overalls gone?" Waal, sonny, hit's like this. It's cool, comfortable and keeps the flies outta my eyes."
A guy is attending his first bullfight. He decides to get a plate of Rocky Mountain oysters from the concession stand. When he receives his order, he's surprised at how small they are. The vendor says, "Señor, the bull - sometimes he wins."
Someone recently asked me to name two structures that hold water. I couldn't think of any so I said "Well, dam, now I'm curious?"
My roommate says our house is haunted… But I’ve lived here for over 300 years and I haven’t noticed anything weird!!!
A man was bothered by a mouse in the garage. He got a trap but didn't have a piece of cheese. He cut out a picture of cheese from one of his wife's cookbooks. Set the trap and checked the next morning. The trap had a picture of a mouse.
A fellow called his realtor. "You said the house had a dry basement. I set a mouse trap and caught a catfish."
