A guy goes to the flea market and asks for the time, but they can’t tell him the hour or the minute. When he asks why, they said, “We’ve only got second hand clocks here!!!”
A careless captain let his ship go adrift, and it crashed into the harbor. I thought the punishment would be more severe, but they just docked his pay and sent him to a pier support group for anchor management!!!!
I think my wife is cheating on me. When I asked when she'd be ready she said, "10-15 minutes Max." My name is James.
A wife buys her redneck husband a scale to help him with his new diet. A week later the redneck says, “Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I’m pooping out ’cause of this new diet I’m on!” The wife says, “That’s great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you’re done and the difference is the weight of your poop?” And the redneck says, “… yeah, I guess I could do it that way…”
I noticed a pretty girl was looking at me on the train. I smiled at her and said hello. “Hi” she said, then asked me “Can I be completely honest with you???” “Of course” I said to her. “Well, every time you smile at me, it makes me want to invite you back to my place.” “Great” I said. “Are you married?” “No” she replied, “I’m a dentist!!!'
Why are the corners in a hockey rink rounded? If it were 90° the ice would melt, cause it would be to hot!
Saw a homeless guy's sign that said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." So l kept my dollar... just in case he's right
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why sure,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where ya from?” ”Costa Rica,” replies the second man. The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Costa Rica too! Let’s have another round to Costa Rica.” Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Costa Rica are ya from?” “Manzanillo,” comes the reply. “I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Manzanillo too! Let’s have another drink to Manzanillo.” Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “So, where did you live?” “On a boat, at the fishin’ docks,” replies the second man. “Dis is unbelievable!,” the first man says. “I lived on a boat at the fishin’ docks, too!” About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s up?,” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “Mike and his brother are getting drunk again.”
