A group was leaving the cemetery. "Old, timer, how old are you?" "I'm ninety eight." "Hardly pays you to walk back to town."
The fire department got a call to put out a mattres fire. "Don't you know it's dangerous to smoke in bed? You could set the mattress on fire." "It was on fire when I got in it!"
High school multiple choice exam (just Yes or No answers) One of the students is flipping a coin, and marks his answers based on how it lands. The teacher is clearly amused but doesn’t say anything thinking that the student will be done soon, and he’ll talk to him afterwards. An hour goes by, and everybody is finished except for the kid who’s still flipping the coin. The teacher approaches him, and asks: “How come you’re not done yet?” The student replies: “I’m double checking my answers!!”
An elderly lady stood at the cruise ship railing, holding her hat so it wouldn’t blow away. A gentleman politely said, “Excuse me, ma’am… did you know your dress is blowing up in the wind?” “Yes, I know,” she replied. “I need both hands to hold my hat!”He added, “But ma’am… you’re not wearing any underwear, and everything is exposed!” She looked down, then back at him, and said, “Sir… anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
New York is the opposite of Minnesota because New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where the Minneapolis
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can't help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
A drunk stumbles away from the bar and into the bathroom. A few minutes later, the whole place hears a loud, blood-curdling scream. Moments later, another scream rattles the walls. The bartender storms in: “Hey! What’s all the screaming about? You’re scaring the customers!” The drunk shouts: “I’m just sittin’ here on the toilet, and every time I flush… something grabs me and squeezes the life outta my testicles!” The bartender opens the stall door, takes one look, and says… “You idiot! You’re sittin’ on the mop bucket!” ♂️
I was buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier said: "you must be single" I asked: "Wow how did you know that?" Cashier: " Because you're ugly"
