When I go, I want to go in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the other people in the car.
The phone rings in the middle of the night. The wife answers the phone. Who was it? Some drug dealer wanting to know if that dope has left yet.
Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing. She will instantly have a headache and go to sleep.
A preacher was holding a revival at a small country church. At the end, he passed his hat. It came back empty. "Lord, I thank thee that I got my hat back."
A man received the following text from his neighbor: “I am so sorry, Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt, and I have to confess. I’ve been helping myself to your wife, day and night, when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I don’t get it at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t ever happen again.” Bob, in complete shock, didn’t know what to do... A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn spell check! I meant Wi-Fi!” And that’s why I call it Auto Corrupt! ♂️
It might be time to get in shape... I was halfway up a flight of stairs today and seriously considered setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
Two fellows arranged for a quail hunt at a noted plantation in the South. They arrived a bit early and asked the guide if they had time to hunt before dinner. The guide went to the kennel and called, "Here, Salesman!" A beautiful setter came to the gate and followed the guide. The hunters got their limits in a very short time, shorter than they anticipated. Every day, they had the guide take Salesman out. The got their limits and spent the rest of the day at the lodge. Just before they left, they arranged for a hunt the following year. They came back and asked the guide to get Salesman. The guide replied, "We had a guy come last year and kept calling him Sales Manager. Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark."
A sexy Irish blonde walked into a casino, looking a little tipsy. She put €20,000 on a single roll of the dice and said: “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel luckier when I’m nude.” She stripped, rolled the dice, and shouted: “Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!” When the dice stopped, she screamed, “YES, I won!” She grabbed her winnings, hugged the dealers, picked up her clothes, and walked out. The dealers stared at each other in shock. Finally, one asked: “What number did she roll?” The other replied: “I don’t know… I thought YOU were watching.” ♂️ Moral of the story: Not all drunks are always drunk. Not all blondes are always dumb. But… all men are men are always men.
An invisible man married an invisible woman. I don't know what they saw in each other... ♀️♂️ Plus, their kids were nothing to look at either!
