Pete walks into a bar and sees John grinning ear to ear. Pete asks, “John, what are you so happy about?” John says, “Well Pete, yesterday I was out waxing my boat when this gorgeous redhead walked up, smiled, and said, ‘Hey handsome, can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said, ‘Sure.’ Took her way out, killed the engine, and politely asked, ‘Would you like to make love or go for a swim?’ All I can say is… she didn’t want to swim, Pete. She didn’t want to swim!” The next day, Pete finds John smiling even bigger. Pete asks, “Now what are you so happy about?” John says, “Yesterday a stunning blonde came up—same deal. I took her out even further than the last one, cut the motor, and asked, ‘Would you like to make love or go for a swim?’ And again, Pete… all I can tell you is that she didn’t want to swim either!” A few days later, Pete finds John crying into his beer. Pete asks, “John, what’s wrong?” John sobs, “Yesterday, the most incredible brunette asked for a ride - built like an Amazonian goddess. I took her way, WAY out, shut off the motor, and politely enquired, ‘Would you like to make love or go for a swim?’ She pulled down her pants… she had a weiner, Pete! A great big weiner! And Pete… I CAN’T SWIM!!!”
By the time John rolled into a little town, every hotel was booked solid. “Please, you’ve got to have something,” he begged the last hotel manager. “Even just a bed. I’m exhausted.” “Well,” the manager said, “I do have a double room with one guy in it… but he snores so loud the walls rattle. People have complained all week.” “No problem,” John said. “I’ll take it.” The next morning, John came down to breakfast looking fresh as a daisy. “Wow,” the manager said. “No trouble with the snoring?” “Not at all,” John grinned. “I shut him up right away.” “How’d you do that?” John smiled. “When I came in, he was already snoring. I walked over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and whispered, ‘Good night, beautiful,’ in his ear.” “He sat up the rest of the night watching me.”
The Madam opened the brothel door in New York City and was greeted by a well-dressed, handsome man in his late 40s. “May I help you, sir?” she asked. “I want to see Rosie,” he replied. She said, “Rosie is our most expensive lady. Perhaps you'd like to see someone else?” “No,” he said. “I must see Rosie.” Rosie appeared and told him, “I charge $10,000 a visit.” Without hesitation, the man handed her the cash. They went upstairs. An hour later, he left. The next night, he came back. Rosie was stunned - no one ever returned a second night at that price. Still, he paid and went upstairs with her. On the third night, he came again. Everyone was in shock. Again, he paid $10,000 and went upstairs. Afterwards, Rosie asked, “No one’s ever done this. Where are you from?” He replied, “Brooklyn.” She said, “No way! I have family in Brooklyn!” “I know,” he said. “Your sister passed away. I’m her lawyer. She asked me to deliver your $30,000 inheritance.” Moral of the story: In life three things are certain… Death Taxes And being screwed by a lawyer...
That is the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer, a prostitute will stop screwing you when you are dead.
Teacher: "Why are you late to class?" Student: "Because of the sign on the road." Teacher: "What sign?" Student: "It said ‘School Ahead, Go Slow'!"
As the bus pulled up, and it was her turn to get on, Melissa suddenly realized her skirt was too tight to lift her leg high enough for the first step. Slightly embarrassed, she gave the driver a polite smile and reached behind to unzip her skirt just a little. Still no luck. She tried again… and again… unzipping a little more each time - but still couldn’t make the step. Finally, a large bodybuilder behind her picked her up effortlessly and placed her on the bus step. Furious, she spun around and shouted, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!” He smiled and said, “Well, ma’am, normally I’d agree with you… But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!”
A fellow met his friend and his seeing eye dog. While they were chatting, the dog lifted his leg and hosed the blind guy's leg. He leaned over and petted the dog. Why did you pet him with what he just did to you? I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his butt.
