A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second."
A blonde standing on one side of a wide creek, calls over to a blonde standing on the other side "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde calls over to her, "You ARE on the other side!"
A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist say, “I can clearly see your nuts”.
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender gasps and says, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "Why do you have a drink called Larry?"
Two fish were in a tank. One fish turned to the other and asked, "do you know how to operate this thing?"
A new recruit joins a pirate ship. The next day, someone yells out, "captain, five naval ships approaching!". The captain says "Aye, bring me my red shirt". A battle ensues and somehow the pirate ship escapes. About a week later, while at sea, someone yells out "captain, ten naval ships on the horizon!". The captain bursts out of his quarters and says "aye, get me my red shirt!". The pirates engage the navy, and miraculously escape. To celebrate, the captain orders all rum on board opened and for the men to enjoy themselves. Taking the chance to talk with the captain, the new recruit asks "captain, why do you call for your red shirt before every battle? Is it for luck?" The captain replies "Aye, there be no luck on the seas matey. I call for my red shirt for one reason, to hide me blood. If I be injured in battle, I don't want me crew to know. I want them to keep fighting". Just then, during the party, someone yells out, "Captain, twenty five naval ships closing fast!". The captain yells "Aye, bring me my red shirt...and me brown pants!"
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs." Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" "I wasn't," he replied.
A man walks into a pub, orders 3 beers and gulps them down. When the Barkeeper asks him, he explains: "I have two friends who live in America and Asia. Every Day, we go to a pub at the same time and drink a beer for each of us." The next day, the man comes to the pub again but orders only 2 beers. The Barkeeper is startled and asks: "Oh no, did something happen to your Friend?" "No, I just quit drinking."
Two Jews invent time travel, so of course their first thought is to go back and kill hitler. They study some history and find out he’ll be at a certain street corner on a certain day at 3:00. So they set the time machine and off they go. They reach the corner at 2:30 and wait. 3:00 comes and he doesn’t show. 3:15 comes and he’s still not there. 3:30. 3:45. One turns to the other and says “jeez, I hope he’s ok.”
Two elderly men are sitting on a park bench. One leans over and asks "boxers or briefs? " The other man responds "DEPENDS".
An elderly man goes to the Dr. and says he believes his wife as a hearing problem. The Dr. says to try an experiment and talk to the wife and say something when she has her back to you. If she doesn’t hear you, then keep moving closer to her asking the same question. So the man goes home and his wife is at the stove cooking dinner. He stops in the doorway and asks her what they’re having for dinner. She didn’t say anything, so he moves closer and asks the same question. He still did not get a response, so he moves closer until he is right behind her and asks the question again. His wife turns around and says, “For the third time, I said chicken.”
A young woman accidentally gets pregnant with twin boys. Her extensive family agree to watch after the babies until the new mother can finish university and care for them. One is being cared for by a cousin in Egypt, and to make things easier for everyone, they name him Ahmal. An aunt in Spain takes the other, and he gets the name Juan. A few weeks later, the young mother receives a picture of Juan. "Oh, but I wish I'd gotten pictures of them both!" Her friend, trying to cheer her, says, "But, they're twins, right? If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
Two hunters were driving down the road to go bear hunting. They came upon a sign that read " Bear Left ". So they turned around and went home.
A man walks into a job interview. The interviewer notices a five year gap in the man's resumé. "What were you doing during this time?" the interviewer asks. "Oh," the man replies, "that's when I went to Yale." Impressed, the interviewer decides to hire him. The man shakes the interviewer's hand and exclaims. "Thank you! I really needed this yob."
