Two little boys were in a hospital room. "Are you medical or surgical?" "What do you mean?" "Were you sick when you came here or did they make you sick after you got here?"
I hired a kid to paint my porch. When he came back to get paid, he said, "By the way, that was a BMW, not a Porsche."
A blonde is sitting next to a lawyer on a plane ✈️, and he’s eager to test her intelligence. He offers her 10-to-1 odds: for every question she can’t answer, she owes him $5 , but for every question he can’t answer, he’ll give her $50. She agrees, and the game begins! The lawyer asks, "What’s the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" ✨ The blonde hands him $5, without question. ♀️ Then it’s her turn: “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?” ️ The lawyer is totally stumped. He spends hours Googling , making calls ☎️, but he can’t find the answer. Finally, frustrated, he gives up and hands her $50. The blonde puts the $50 in her purse , and the lawyer says, “Okay, what’s the answer?” Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, “Fellas, I got real problems. I’m seventy years old. Every morning at seven o’clock, I get up and I try to urinate. All day long, I try to pee. They give me all kinds of medicine, but nothing helps.” The second old man says, “You think you have problems. I’m eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00, I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff, but nothing helps.” Finally, the third old man speaks up: “Fellas: I’m ninety years old... Every morning at 7:00, I pee like a racehorse. At 8:00, I poop like a champion.” The other two look at him, confused. “So what’s the problem?” they ask. He replies, “I don’t wake up until 9:00.”
A couple was having the usual marital discussion. He, "We need to work together like a team of horses." She, "How can we when one is a jackass?"
A lost dog strays into the jungle. A lion spots him and thinks, “Hmm… never seen this creature before, but he looks edible.” The lion charges toward him. The dog panics, then notices some bones nearby. Thinking quickly, he shouts loudly: “Wow, that was some good lion meat!” The lion freezes. “Whoa! This guy’s tougher than he looks. Better get out of here while I can.” Up in the tree, a monkey saw the whole thing and realized he could use it to his advantage. He told the lion the truth, hoping for a reward. The furious lion roared, “Get on my back, monkey! We’ll show this dog who’s boss.” As they approached, the dog saw them coming and shouted: “Where’s that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”
Guy walks out of the restroom at a truck stop… Girl says: “Excuse me, Sir, your garage door is open.” Guy asks: “Did you get a peek at my Harley?” ️ Girl replies: “No… But I did see a mini bike with a couple of flat tires!”
I never called you stupid. But when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi, and you asked if I was talking about the river or the state, it just kind of caught me off guard.
Hmm. Did you hear about the Australian aborigine who bought a new boomerang? Went crazy trying to throw the old one away.
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a Jewish rabbit walk into a blood bank. The nurse asks them what their blood type is. The priest says "I'm a type A" the preacher says, "I'm a type B" the rabbit says, "I must be a typo"
A 75 year old walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman asks, "hey, where did you get him?" The parrot answers, "at a nursing home, they're all over the place there!"
Today I learned that scuba and tuba are acronyms Scuba stands for self contained underwater breathing apparatus, and Tuba stands for terrible underwater breathing apparatus!
