Three old men were having coffee one morning. Talk drifted to their morning routine. One old timer spoke up. "Every morning, I empty my bladder at 6 AM. Then I have a bowel movement at 6:30 AM." One spoke up and asked, "So what's wrong with that?" "I don't get up until 7:00 AM."
Two men were out hunting when they came across a massive hole in the ground. “Wow,” said the first hunter. “That’s one deep hole - I can't even see the bottom!” The second replied, “Let’s toss something in and see how long it takes to hit.”They spotted an old car engine nearby, heaved it in, and waited...Suddenly, a goat came crashing out of the brush and dove headfirst into the hole! While they were still processing what they'd just seen, an old farmer wandered up. “Say, you boys haven’t seen my goat, have you?” One hunter said, “Well, weird you should ask… A goat just tore through here and jumped right into this hole! ”The farmer blinked and said, “Nah, can’t be. I had him chained to an old car engine.”
Eleven people were hanging from a rope under a helicopter — 10 men and 1 woman. The rope wasn’t strong enough to hold them all, so one person had to let go. After much debate, the woman gave a heartfelt speech: “As a woman, I’m used to giving everything for my husband, my kids, and you men in general. I’m always sacrificing and never getting anything back. So you know what, fellas? I’ll go. I’ll let go of the rope.” When she finished… all the men started clapping.
Robin: “The Batmobile isn’t starting!” Batman: “Did you charge the battery?” Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
After 25 years in the liquor business, Tom quits, buys 50 acres in remote Alaska, and lives in total peace - no visitors for six months. One day, there’s a knock. A huge bearded man says, “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday at 5. You should come.” “Sounds great,” says Tom. Lars starts to leave, then adds, “Gonna be some drinkin’.” “No problem - I can handle that.” “Probably some fightin’, too.” “I get along with folks - I’ll be fine.” “Maybe some wild sex, too.” “Even better!” Tom grins. “What should I wear?” Lars shrugs. “Don’t matter… just gonna be the two of us.”
Little Timmy is always being teased by the neighborhood boys for being “stupid.” Their favorite joke is to offer Timmy a choice between a nickel and a dime. Timmy always takes the nickel. One day, after he does it again, a neighbor pulls him aside and says, "Timmy, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel is bigger?" Timmy grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it… and so far I’ve made $20!"
A couple were killed in an automobile accident. The man was an avid golfer. When they got to heaven, St. Peter showed them around. The man was astounded by the golf course. St. Peter described it to the man. "The fairways are always trimmed short for perfect second shots. The greens are immaculate and you never three putt. It's easy for a golfer to shoot under par every time." The man looked at his wife, "If it hadn't been for your stupid bran muffins, I could have been here years ago!"
A guy and his dog enter a bar. He orders a beer and drinks it, then orders another. The dog sits patiently at his feet. When it comes time for the guy to pay, he looks the barman in the eye and says, "I'm afraid I don't have any money." The barman is about to kick this joker's butt when the guy says, "But I have something even better. I have a magical dog. He can talk." This is a new one on the barman, and although he's skeptical, he decides to give the guy a chance. "All right," he says, "let's see." The guy turns to the dog and says, "Okay Rover, describe sandpaper." The dog goes, "RUFF! RUFF!" The barman is not amused, but the guy has more in store. He looks at the dog again and says, "Rover, what's on top of a house?" "ROOF! ROOF!" "That's it," says the barman. "What do you take me for? Get the hell out of my bar." "Wait!" says the guy. "Give me one more chance, you won't be disappointed." The barman sighs and rolls his eyes, but gestures for the man to go ahead. The guy turns to the dog and says seriously, "Rover, it's our last chance. Do your old master proud. Now tell the man: Who was the greatest baseball player who ever lived?" The dog wags his tail once and barks, "RUTH! RUTH!" It's the last straw. The barman drags the guy out the door and dumps him on the curb, with the dog following. The barman goes back into the bar, shaking his head in disgust. Rover sighs, looks at the guy and says, "Do you think I should've said DiMaggio?"
1. A horse walks into a bar and orders a martini with ketchup. The horse asks, "Well, do you think that is odd?" Bartender replied, "Heck no. I like 'em that way, too" 2. A pink elephant, a purple rhinoceros and a green monkey walk into a bar. The bartender looks up, "Sorry, he hasn't come in yet."
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.” The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.” And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.”
When I was a little kid, I thought "This Little Pig Went To Market" meant he went shopping - and not to the slaughterhouse.
