A man went to a psychiatrist for help. The doctor started with drawing a big X. What does that look like? A naked lady sitting down. The doctor drew a big O. What does that look like? A naked lady standing up. Wow! You do need help. Me? You're the one drawing the dirty pictures!
Two rabbis are having coffee one morning. You know, some of my congregation have joined the Quakers. That is bad. Yes, some of my best Jews are friends.
are oranges called oranges because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
⛳ Two lifelong buddies made a pact back in college: No matter where life takes them, they’ll meet up every 10 years in Florida to play golf and grab lunch. At 32, they meet up: "Where you wanna eat?" "Hooters." "Why?" "C’mon... the servers, the shorts, the legs!" "Say no more." At 42, after their round: "Where we eatin’?" "Hooters." "Again?!" "Cold beer, big screen TVs, and sports betting!" "Fair enough." At 52: "Hooters?" "Yeah, food’s good and there’s lots of parking." "Logical." At 62: "Hooters - wings are half off and the food’s not too spicy anymore." "Perfect." At 72: "Hooters - they’ve got handicap spots close to the door and senior discounts!" "Sold!" At 82, they meet once again. "Where to this time?" "Hooters." "Seriously? Why?" "Because we’ve never been there before." "Good idea. Let’s give it a try!"
A local bar was so sure their barman was the strongest man in town that they offered a standing $1,000 bet The barman would squeeze a lemon until every drop of juice was gone, then challenge anyone to try and squeeze out even one more drop Weightlifters tried. Arm wrestlers tried. No one ever won. Then one day, in walks this scrawny little guy — so skinny you’d miss him if he turned sideways — wearing scratched-up glasses and a ten-year-old polyester suit He says, “I’d like to try the bet.” The place erupted with laughter The barman says, “Sure, go ahead,” and crushes a lemon until not a drop remains. Then he hands the wrinkled rind to the little man. To everyone’s shock, the little guy clenches his tiny fist, squeezes hard — and out comes one drop… then another… and then a third drop falls into the glass Total silence in the bar. You could hear a pin drop. As the bartender handed over the $1,000, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack? A metalworker? A weightlifter?” The little man smiled and said quietly: “I work for the IRS.”
A married couple is cruising down the highway at 40 mph. The husbands behind the wheel, calm and focused. Out of nowhere, the wife says, “After 20 years, I want a divorce.” He doesn’t flinch - just nudges the speed up to 45mph. She continues, “And don’t try to stop me. I’ve been seeing your best friend… and let’s just say he knows what he’s doing.” The speed creeps to 55mph. “I want the house,” she demands. 60mph. “I’m taking the car, too.” 65mph. “Oh, and I’m draining the bank accounts and taking the boat!” ⛵ The car slowly drifts toward the concrete side barrier… Panicked now, she blurts out, “Don’t you want anything?!” The husband finally speaks: “Nope… I’ve got everything I need.” She scoffs, “Oh really? And what’s that?” He grins, eyes still on the road - “I’ve got the airbag.”
The nurse walks into the room at the nursing home. Mr. Fenton, how about a nice warm glass of milk before you go to sleep? Ahh, what's it good for? Well, it's good for your teeth. OK, put'em in the glass.
Remember the elephant jokes of our youth? Why did the elephant paint her toenails different colors? So she could hide in a bag of M&Ms. How can you tell if an elephant has been in the refrigerator? By the footprints in the butter. How can you tell if an elephant is in a closet? By the peanuts on his breath. Why can't elephants ride bicycles? Because they don't have thumbs to ring the little bell. Why are elephants grey? So you can distinguish them from bluebirds. Why did the elephant paint her head yellow? She heard blondes have more fun. A friend in high school had a book of 500 elephant jokes. Entertained us in the bus ride to school.
A cowboy in Oklahoma got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started giving him a long lecture about slowing down, really throwing his weight around to make the cowboy squirm. As the trooper wrote the ticket, he kept swatting at flies buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, “Having trouble with circle flies, huh?” The trooper frowned. “Circle flies? Never heard of ’em.” The cowboy grinned. “They’re real common on ranches. We call ’em circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around a horse’s ass.” The trooper paused. “Wait a minute… are you calling me a horse’s ass?” The cowboy replied, “Oh no, sir! I’d never disrespect law enforcement like that.” The trooper nodded. “Glad to hear it,” and went back to writing. After a moment, the cowboy added, “Still… kinda hard to fool them flies though.”
What is the difference between a horse race and a political race? In a horse race, the entire horse runs.
It's like my mom always told me... "You might not be the dumbest guy in the world, but you better hope he doesn't die."
