And today, I'm wearing pink to raise awareness for... people like me who forget to separate red laundry from white laundry.
A COUPLE was out shopping. ️ The shopping mall was packed, and as the wife turned around, she was surprised to discover that her husband had gone missing. She was annoyed because they had a lot to do, so she called him on her cell to ask him where he was. In a quiet voice, he said: “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford back then, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?” The wife choked up, and with a lump in her throat and a tear in her eye, said: “Yes, my darling, I do.” He replied: “Well, I’m in the pub next door!”
A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife suddenly whacked him upside the head with a magazine. ️ "What the hell was that for?" he asked. She said, "I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Joanne on it!" He replied, "Oh, that’s the horse I bet on at the races two weeks ago. I used the winnings to buy you those flowers!" She smiled, "Oh darling, I’m so sorry. I should’ve known there was a good explanation." Three days later, while he was watching TV, she smacked him on the head again — this time with a frying pan. When he came to, he groaned, "What was that for?" She replied, "Your horse phoned."
A blonde is cruising down the highway a couple of hours outside San Diego when she sees a guy frantically waving next to his broken-down truck. She pulls over and rolls down the window. "Are you headed to San Diego?" the guy asks. "Yep!" she replies. “Great! I’m stuck here, but I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that need to get to the zoo ASAP. They’re tired, hungry. Can you take them? I’ll give you $200.” She shrugs. “Sure! I’ve driven wilder things on a Saturday.” He straps the chimps into the back seat with seatbelts (safety first), hands her the cash, and off she goes. Fast-forward five hours later... the guy finally gets his truck fixed and rolls into San Diego. He’s driving downtown when he SLAMS on the brakes. There’s the blonde walking down the street, hand-in-hand with the two chimps. They’ve got matching sunglasses, cotton candy, and selfie sticks. He runs over, totally panicked. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I GAVE YOU $200 TO TAKE THEM TO THE ZOO!” She smiles and says, “I did! But we had money left over… so now we’re heading to Sea World!” ♀️
My husband’s mom is the mother-in-law from you know where! Last year for her birthday, I bought her a cemetery plot. This year, I didn’t get her anything. When she asked why, I said… “Well, you haven’t used last year’s gift yet!” And that’s when the fight began. ⚰
A blonde is driving along a country road. She sees a farmer out in a field and stops to ask him a question. Why don't those cows have horns? Well, young lady, some cows are born without horns. Other have their horns removed. The reason those cows don't have horns is because they are horses.
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store....... it was quite the "oar deal." I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it, but nobody saw it.
The criminal robbed the bakery because he needed the dough? I had a part time job putting wings on angel food cakes.
