There are only two workers in a small factory, and they’re chatting. The woman says, “I bet you any money I can make the boss send me home and give me the day off.” The man laughs, “Never - you know he’s a mean old toad! How on earth would you do that?” She grins, “Watch this.” Then she hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss walks in and asks, “What on earth are you doing?” She replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss says, “You’ve been working so hard you’ve gone crazy. Go home, get some rest, and take the day off.” The man grabs his coat and bag to follow, and the boss says, “Where do you think you’re going?” The man replies, “I’m going home too. You can’t expect me to work in the dark.” ♂️
George staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Henry. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, George sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids. He then began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, George woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and with his wife staring at him from across the room. She said. “You were drunk again last night weren’t you George?” George replied. “And why would you be saying such a mean thing?” “Well.” She said. “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!”
A man was in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?" The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir." The man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!" ⚕️♂️
A Northern elderly couple are traveling South on I-49 through Louisiana and see a sign that says “Natchitoches - 27 Miles”. The wife says, should we stop in Nach-it-toe-ches and get some lunch”. The old man replies, “I think they pronounce that Nack-a-tish”. They argue all the way to the town, exit the interstate and pull into a fast food burger restaurant. After making their way to the counter and placing their order, the old man asks the young blonde behind the counter, “Could you help us settle an argument? Can you, very slowly, pronounce the name of this place for us?”. The girl looks him dead in the eye and says, “Buuurr-Geeerr Kiiiing”
I had a blind date last night, and I was a little worried about what to do if she was really unattractive and not my type at all. My friend told me about this genius app called “Mum, Are You Okay?” - it schedules your phone to ring right after you meet your date. ✅ If you like them, ignore the call. ❌ If you want an escape, answer: “Mum? What’s the matter? Are you okay?” That would work like a charm…I thought. I show up, and she’s absolutely gorgeous - no worries at all, I'm a lucky man! But just as I’m about to escort her to my car, her phone rings. She picks up and says, “Mum? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
Drunk guy walks into a bar, “Give me two shots of your finest whiskey, one for me and one for you.” Bartender happily pours the two drinks and they toast and drink them down. “Thanks for the drink! That’ll be $50.” Drunk guy shrugs: “Sorry, I haven’t got a cent on me!” Bartender gets mad, grabs him by the collar and throws him out the door. “Get outta here!” Next night the same guy returns and asks again for two shots of their finest whiskey, one for him and one for the bartender, as a way of making amends for last night. Bartender figures the guy can’t be crazy enough to pull the same trick twice, so he pours them two drinks and they toast and drink. But once again when asked to pay, the guy shrugs “Sorry, I got no money at all!” So the bartender gets really mad, slaps him around a few times, and throws him out the door with a kick in the pants. “Don’t come back, you crook!” Next night, the same guy comes walking in, sits at the bar as the bartender warily eyes him. “Give me one shot of your finest whiskey. “ The bartender responds sarcastically, “What? Only one?! Aren’t you buying me a drink too?” “Oh no! You get violent when you drink!”
Two drunks are walking through the zoo. When the get to the lion's cage, the lion lets out a big roar. Let's get out of here! No man, the movie's just starting.
My hubby saw me sucking in my stomach while standing on the bathroom scale. “That’s not gonna help you!” he said, with a smirk. Actually, it does - it’s the only way I can see the number. ⚖️
A mother-in-law decides to test her three sons-in-law to see who’s the nicest. She takes the first son-in-law for a walk by the river... then suddenly jumps in! He dives in and saves her. The next morning, he finds a Chevy Malibu in his driveway with a note: "From your mother-in-law." Later, she pulls the same stunt with the second son-in-law. He saves her too. The next morning, he finds a Ford Fusion out front with the same note: "From your mother-in-law." Now, it’s the third son-in-law’s turn. She jumps in again... He watches her flail and walks away. The next morning, he finds a shiny new Cadillac Escalade parked in the driveway with a note: "From your father-in-law!"
