Just been to the gym at work because they've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great, though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot
My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. 'I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's, and make more money than you,' she pointed out. 'Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,' I said. She looked mystified. 'How do you figure?' 'I married better,' I replied
Whenever I reach 88 mph in my car, I always make a Back to the Future time traveling sound effect inside my head. …and that’s usually followed by a police siren sound effect outside my car.
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. She yells, “You keep out of this! I’m talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!”
A couple is driving in the country. They pass several mules in a pasture. Honey, aren't those your relatives? Yes, in-laws.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Ever notice that women give commands through questions? Example: Are you ready? That means she is ready and it's time to go. BTW, I have this every Sunday morning.
If you're attracted to both women and men but neither of them are attracted to you that means you are Bi-Yourself
Dad: “Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with...” Family: “Okay... so?” Dad: “So they throw one cigarette overboard... and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.”
A minister was pondering a sermon topic for the coming Sunday. He neglected to watch his speed and was pulled over by a cop. He tried everyway to get out of the ticket. But, officer, I'm just a poor preacher. I know. I've heard you.
A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced: "You and Mom look, great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you". "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything." After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
An elderly man, thinking his wife was losing her hearing, went about 20 feet behind her and asked, “Can you hear me, sweetheart?” No reply. Moved to 10 feet and inquired again. No reply. 5 feet - still nothing. A few inches behind her ear, he asked, “Can you hear me now, honey?” His wife said, “For the fourth time, yes.” ❤️
A little girl was drawing a picture in Sunday School class. What are you drawing, dear? A picture of God. But no one knows what God looks like. They will when I get done.
