Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the Grandmas called out, “Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!” The old man replied, “There’s no way you can guess my age!” One of the Grandmas said, “Sure, we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts, and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed but eager to prove them wrong, he dropped his drawers. They asked him to turn around a few times and jump up and down. Determined, he did exactly that. Then all three shouted in unison, “You're 87 years old!” Standing there stunned, with his pants around his ankles, he asked, “How in the world did you guess my age?” Slapping their knees, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear, the Grandmas said… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
Mommy, is it true that I have Daddy's eyes? Yes, dear. And I have Uncle Joe's ears? Yes, dear. Well, look closer. I've got grandpa's teeth.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you, so I took her to Subway.
It’s not often that I hope my wife has farted, but I’m kind of praying that smell coming from the kitchen isn’t my dinner.
I told my wife that when I die I’d like to be making love to you. Ever the romantic, she said “Well, at least we know it’s gonna be a quick death .”
On a visit to his parents’ house, a young man was asked by his mother to set the table for dinner. When he opened the refrigerator, he saw taped to the inside of the door a picture of a scantily-dressed, super slim model. “What’s the picture all about?” he asked. His mother explained: “I put it up there to remind me not to over-eat.” “Is it working?” “Yes and no. I’ve lost fifteen pounds, but your dad has gained twenty!!!!”
Little Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Canada. On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, "The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!" Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did."
Before I married her, I took my wife on 8 dates and on the 9th we went to the cinema. Our dates were dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
