A young couple from up north is camping on the shores of a lake in Georgia. When a camper full of rednecks pulls into an adjacent campsite the stunningly built young wife decides to give these fellas a thrill by sunbathing in the nude. Her cocky stockbroker husband, thinking he can “have a little fun” with the local folk says, “That’s OK with me, honey, I’ll go get some wood for the fire.” When he returns to the campsite thirty minutes later he finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted white, the other red and her butt is blue. “What on earth happened to you dear?” he asks. “Some of those rednecks campers came over and told me they don’t allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!” “Damn those trouble-makers! I’ll teach them a lesson!” the husband shouts. Barging into their campsite he finds a couple of them sitting around the campfire drinking beer. “Who is the SOB that painted my wife red, white and blue!” he shouts. Just then, the camper door flies open, and a huge redneck, about 6′-8,” steps forward, a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a shotgun in the other. “I did it,” he bellows. “What you got to say about it?” The husband answers, “I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.”
A blonde is driving along a country road. She stops and asks the farmer. "Why doesn't that cow have horns.""Well, young lady, some cows are born without horns. Others have the horns removed while they are still young. The reason that cow doesn't have horns is because it's a horse."
A guy is driving along a backroad when he spots a farmer plowing with a team of horses. As the farmer make the turn, the man notices the seat of his bib overalls is missing. He stops and waves the farmer over to the fence. "Why don't you have the seat in your overalls?" "Waal, y0ung feller, it's cool, comfortable and keeps the flies out of my eyes."
At a Catholic parochial school, Sister Mary asked the girls in her classroom what they wanted to be when they grew up. Lisa raised her hand and said, “I want to be a prostitute!” Sister Mary fainted and fell to the floor. She was revived a few minutes later. “Lisa! Will you repeat what you said?”, asked Sister Mary. “I said I want to be a prostitute!”, said Lisa. “Oh, that’s a relief. I thought you said a Protestant.”
This was told by a high school friend. A fellow was walking down Times Square when he noticed a nun peeking in the door of a night club. "Sister, can I help you?" "I was curious as I never have been in one of these places." "If you don't mind, I'll be glad to take you in," "Thank you." They went in and got seated. The waitress came to take their order. "I'll have a Scotch and soda, please." The nun hesitated a bit. "I'll have, what do you call it, a martin eye." The waitress turned and said, "One Scotch and soda." She snickered, "And one martin eye." The bartender looked up. "Is that little nun in here again?"
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?" The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish." They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty." "This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!" "I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
When I was in full time ministry, one of my close friends was the priest at the local Roman Catholic church. We kidded each other with Baptist and Catholic jokes. This was his and my favorite. A small community in the mountains of Kentucky had a Catholic and Baptist church. Suddenly, the Baptist minister died and there wasn't enough time to get a Baptist minister for the funeral. They asked the priest if he would conduct the funeral. He sent a telegram to the bishop, "Is it OK to bury a Baptist?" A telegram came back, "Sure! Bury all the Baptists you can!"
This is how we got the angel on the top of the Christmas tree: Santa was having bad day. Three reindeer were sick. A runner on the sleigh was broken. The elves who fill the bag were on strike. An angel came to Santa. "Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?" Now you know why we have an angel at the top of the Christmas tree.
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
A guy was at the racetrack and strolling around the barns to look at the horses. At the far end of one stable, he spotted a priest doing some sort of ritual with a horse. "If the good father is blessing the horse, I can't lose." He put all his money on the horse. It came in dead last. Dejected, he was walking to the parking lot when he ran into the priest. "Father, I bet everything on that horse and it came in dead last." "My son, are you Catholic?" "No." "Then you don't know the difference between a blessing and the last rites."
My teacher told me that I’d be no good at poetry due to my dyslexia. But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase. So s***w you Mr. Peterson.
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my stepdaughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems?"
I named my dog “5 miles” so I can tell everyone I walk 5 miles everyday. My extremely competitive neighbor came over and was crying. He said, “I ran over 5 miles today.” He’s such a copycat.
