A woman with small boobies buys a finely carved mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. The next morning, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my boobies size 44." There is a flash of light, and her boobies grow to enormous proportions. She runs to tell her husband what happened and in minutes they both return. The husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my manhood touch the floor." There's a flash of light, and both of his legs fall off...
Regional joke: Doctor, what can I do to live a long life? Move to Kansas and marry an ugly woman. Will I live longer? No, it will just seem like it.
Coach and Norm “Can I draw you a beer, Norm?” “No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.” “How’s a beer sound, Norm?” “I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.” “What’s shaking, Norm?” “All four cheeks & a couple of chins.” “What’s going down, Normie?” “My butt cheeks on that bar stool.” “What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?” “Going Down?” “What’ll it be, Normie?” “Just the usual, Coach. I’ll have a froth of beer & a snorkel.” “What would you say to a beer, Normie?” “Daddy wuvs you.” “What’d you like, Normie?” “A reason to live. Give me another beer.” Norm and Sam “What’ll you have, Normie?” “Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.” “Looks like beer, Norm.” “Call me Mister Lucky.” “What’s new, Norm?” “Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re demanding beer.” “How’s life treating you?” “It’s not, Sammy, but you can.” “What’d you say, Norm?” “Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer.” “What would you say to a beer, Norm?” “Hiya, sailor. New in town?” (Coming in from the rain) “Evening, everybody.” Everybody: “Norm!” “Still pouring, Norm?” “That’s funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.” “Whaddya say, Norm?” “Well, I never met a beer I didn’t drink.” “How’s about a beer, Norm?” “That’s that amber sudsy stuff, right? I’ve heard good things about it!” “Beer, Norm?” “Have I gotten that predictable? Good.” “Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?” “Like a baby treats a diaper.” “Whatcha up to, Norm?” “My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.” “What’s the story, Norm?” “Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.” Woody and Norm “Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?” “No, I’d like a dead cat in a glass.” “What’s the story, Mr. Peterson?” “The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending.” “Hey, Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.” “I know. If she calls, I’m not here.” “What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?” “A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.'” “Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?” “Yep. Now let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?” “What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?” “Another layer for the winter Wool.” “How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?” “Poor.” “I’m sorry to hear that.” “No, I mean pour.” “Women. Can’t live with ’em….pass the beer nuts.” “Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?” “Alright, but stop me at one… make that one-thirty.” “How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?” “It’s a dog-eat-dog world, Woody, & I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear.” “What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?” “The question is what’s going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody.” “Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?” “A little early isn’t it, Woody?” “For a beer?” “No, for stupid questions.”
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. "Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this? "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
The good priest was expounding on the miracles of holy water. "I was at the hospital yesterday. I sprinkled holy water on a lady and she passed a baby." "That's nothing. I sprinkled turpentine in a cat's arse and he passed a motorcycle!"
A fellow walked into a pet shop and started to look at the different pets. The shop owner asked how he could help. " "Hmm. What do you have that would be different for my mother?" "Does she go to church?" "Every Sunday." "I have a parrot the says the 23rd Psalm, 13th chapter of First Corinthians and the Lord's Prayer." "How much?" "One hundred dollars." "Good. Could you deliver it tomorrow for her birthday?" "Yes." Later the next day, he called his mother. "How did you like your birthday present?" "It was delicious."
Doctor: “You have 10 to live.” Patient: “10 what? Years? Months? Days?” Doctor: “Nine, eight, seven…”
An elderly couple walked into a Lexus dealership, only to find out the car they wanted had just been sold to a beautiful, leggy blonde. The man said, “I thought you said you’d hold that car until we came up with the $75,000 asking price! But I just heard you sold it to that young lady for $65,000! You told me there were no discounts on this model!” The salesman shrugged with a grin and said, “Well, she had the cash… and just look at her! How could I resist?” Just then, the young woman walked over, handed the keys to the elderly man, and said, “There you go, Grandpa. Told you I could get this joker to drop the price.” “See you later, grandpa!”
