A little five-year-old girl was usually driven to school by her grandad, but one day he had a bad cold, so her grandmother took her instead. That night, the little girl told her parents, “The drive with Gramma was really different today.” “Oh? What made it different?” they asked. “Well,” she said, “with Gramma, we didn’t see a single numb nuts, blind lady, or freakin' moron on the road the whole way!”
Ever wonder why baby diapers have names like Luvs, Huggies, and Pampers? For older folks, it depends. WELL, HERE’S THE SCOOP! When babies poop their pants, people still love, hug, and pamper them. But when older folks do it… well, it depends - on who’s in the will!
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back."I am a turtle," he says."Who's on your back?""That's Michelle."
This is a universal joke that can be used for any two competing colleges or universities. I first heard it as a Tennessee/Alabama joke. Enjoy. A fellow graduated University of Tennessee. His first job was a sales representative. He bought the three piece suits, ties and briefcase. His first call was to a purchasing agent. During the casual conversation, the purchasing agent stated, "You are a graduate of the University of Tennessee, aren't you?" "Yes. How did you know?" "Your dress, demeanor and speech was obvious." "Amazing. And you, sir, are a graduate of the University of Alabama." "Yes. How did you know?" "I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’ ‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’ ‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus’.
