Two British fellows met at the train station. "I heard you buried your wife." "Had to. She was dead, you know."
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir? Me: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is!!!!
TEACHER: Use all these words in a single sentence — deduct, detail, defense, defeat. STUDENT: De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.
A woman asks a man – “do you drink beer?” Man: Yeah. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3. Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00, including the tip. Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400… correct? Man: Correct. Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct. Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: What color is your Ferrari?
I once dated a girl who had a twin, and people always asked how I could tell them apart. Easy - Alison painted her nails red… and Bob had a beard.
One for the ladies A man thinks housework is a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Charles had read an article that said. 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.' The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charles even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" Asked her friends. "Oh that. Charles was too tired."
A man went to the Doctor and said, "I've been bitten by a wolf." The Doctor asked me: "Where?" Man: “No just an ordinary one".
A State Trooper pulled a car over for speeding. When he asked the driver why he was in such a hurry, the man explained he was a juggler ♂️ on his way to perform at the Shrine Circus and didn’t want to be late. The trooper said, "I've always been fascinated by juggling. If you put on a little show for me, I'll let you off with just a warning." The juggler got out, lit four torches , and began juggling right there on the side of the road. While he was performing, another car pulled up behind the police cruiser. A drunk guy stumbled out, walked straight over to the patrol car, opened the back door, and climbed in. The trooper went over, opened the door, and asked, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail now, ‘cause there’s no way I’m passing that test!"
I told my wife when my time comes, I hope it's while I'm making love. She said at least it'll be quick!
Netflix: Do you want to watch a 10-hour movie? Me: No way! Are you insane? Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting? Me: I’m in!
Living in the NYC area, I heard all kinds of ethnic jokes. My favorite was this: Luigi was taking the test for citizenship. Examiner: Luigi, can your son be president? Luigi: Si. He canna be president. Examiner: Can you be president? Luigi: No. I no canna be president. Examiner: Why can't you be president? Luigi: Imma too busy in the barber shop.
An old man was sitting by a pond when he suddenly came upon a talking frog ... It said to him: "Kiss me and I’ll turn into a 25-year-old nymphomaniac!" The old man picked it up, smiled, and popped it into his pocket. The frog asked, "Well? Aren’t you going to kiss me?" He replied, "Sweetheart, I’m 91 years old... I’d rather have a talking frog."
