Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!!!”
Two little boys are wandering through a store when they pass the bathroom scale display. "Let's get away from here. Every time my mother gets on one, she screams!"
I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you’re so funny & make me laugh so much.” I told her I thought it was because I was so good-looking and charming. She replied, “See? That’s hilarious.”
I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out... I knew instantly who sent it. It was Uncle Ben.
A woman told the undertaker to bury her husband with his butt up on the air. He asked, "Why?" "So I'll have a place to park my bicycle when I visit him."
A woman was going through US customs. An officer noticed a bottle with a clear liquid. "What is it?" "Holy water from the holy land." He opened the bottle. "Lady, this is gin." She looked skyward and said, "He did it again!"
A man and little boy walked into the barbershop. The man got into the chair and told the little boy, "While you are getting your haircut, I'm to buy a couple of neckties." The man left and it was the little boy's turn. After he got his haircut, he sat in a chair and read comic books. The barber asked, "When is your father coming back?" "He's not my father." "Then who is he?" "I don't know. I was standing on the corner. He took me by the hand and said, Let's get a free haircut."
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you" I couldn't believe it,... You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian General. General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? There was silence for 45 seconds, the interviewer said, the interview was over
A Texas farmer went on vacation to Australia. He met up with an Australian farmer who prouldly showed off his wheat field. "That's nothing" said the Texan. "Back home, we have wheat fields that are twice as large as this." Next the Australian pointed out his cattle. "They're nothing," said the Texan. "Back home, we have longhorns that are twice as big as your cows." Just then, half a dozen kangaroos bounded across the road. "What are those?" asked the Texan. The Australian replied, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"
1. A New Yorker was showing a Texan Niagara Falls. "Bet you don't have anything like that in Texas." " No but I know a plumber who can fix it." 2. A Texan was bragging to the the New Yorker about what a great place Texas was. They came to the Empire State Building (dates the joke). Texan, "What is that?" New Yorker, "Don't know. It wasn't here yesterday."
