A man was holding a sign that said “Free Hugs”. I tried to hug him, but he punched me in the face. Turns out, “Hugs” was his cousin who didn’t make parole!!!!
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't... "bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".
Fireman: Don't know it is dangerous to smoke in bed? Your bed might catch on fire! Man: It was on fire when I got in it.
Ah, the nostalgic memories! One girl I was dating called and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I asked my daughter to give me the phone book. She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and handed me her iPhone. So… the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is pissed.
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t do that again.” “Sorry,” I said, “It must be the nerves.” “Fair enough,” he replied, “But there was no need to hold the microphone directly up to your ass.”
Recently, I got fired from my part time job. I really enjoyed it, too. I was working as a mime. It must have been something I said.
An old English lord comes back home late one night. His butler opens the door for him, and says, “Ah, here comes the old fart. So, did you spend all the money on booze and prostitutes again?” “No, John”, replied the lord. “I was at the doctor getting hearing aids!!!!”
An old time pilot was barnstorming around the country. He landed in a pasture field and drew a big crowd. While people were looking over his flying contraption, he offered $100 to anyone who could fly with him and not say anything. An old farmer stepped forward. He and his wife go in. The pilot did everything he could to see if the old guy would holler. After they landed, he gave to old guy the money and said it was amazing he didn't say anything the whole time. The old guy said, "Almost said something when the old lady fell out."
In some parts of the world there are native tribes that have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and letting out spine-chilling cries as loudly as possible. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. Around here, we call it golf.
So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: “Is this Whiskey?” Elmer says: “Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!”
A young man shopping at the grocery store, noticed a little old lady following him around. When he stopped, she stopped. On top of that, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope that I haven't made you uncomfortable, but it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "that's OK." "I know it's silly, but if you'd shout out, goodbye Mom as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she went out the door, the man called out, "goodbye Mom." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he then went to pay for his groceries. "That will be $185.60," said the clerk. "What? I only got 4 things." The cashier said, "Right, but your mother said that you'd be paying for her groceries, too."
