A man was holding a sign that said “Free Hugs”. I tried to hug him, but he punched me in the face. Turns out, “Hugs” was his cousin who didn’t make parole!!!!
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't... "bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".
Fireman: Don't know it is dangerous to smoke in bed? Your bed might catch on fire! Man: It was on fire when I got in it.
Ah, the nostalgic memories! One girl I was dating called and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I asked my daughter to give me the phone book. She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and handed me her iPhone. So… the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is pissed.
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t do that again.” “Sorry,” I said, “It must be the nerves.” “Fair enough,” he replied, “But there was no need to hold the microphone directly up to your ass.”
Recently, I got fired from my part time job. I really enjoyed it, too. I was working as a mime. It must have been something I said.
An old English lord comes back home late one night. His butler opens the door for him, and says, “Ah, here comes the old fart. So, did you spend all the money on booze and prostitutes again?” “No, John”, replied the lord. “I was at the doctor getting hearing aids!!!!”
