A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent. "The stork brought you to us." "Ohh..." said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, your grandparents found us under a rock." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, they were found under a cabbage leaf," said the parent. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store. After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?" The boy shook his head, "No." "Then what kind of card is it that you want?" asked the clerk. The boy answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"
The teacher asked little Johnny, "If you had one dollar and you asked your dad for another dollar, how much money would you have?" Johnny answered, "One dollar." The teacher said, "Johnny, you don't understand math." Johnny replied, "You don't understand my dad!"
Two roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over. Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time. It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn’t seen hide nor hair of anyone. So they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the west side of the barn was a big manure pile. Bob said, It’s the only way down. I will go first.” Bob jumped. Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, “Hey Bob! How deep did you go?” Bob yelled back, “I went to my ankles Dan, come on – JUMP!” Dan jumped and sank clear up to his neck in manure. “I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles!” he shouted at Bob. “I did, explained Bob, “but I landed head first.”
During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?” “Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”
Went to see a UB40 tribute band last night called WD40. They were a bit rusty to start off with but soon loosened up.
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother. “He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”
Two guy were arguing about the pronunciation of the state. Was it Hawaii or Havaii? Let's ask this guy. How is the state pronounced? Is it Hawaii or Havaii? It's Havaii. Thanks. You're velcome.
A cop sees a car drive by, and the driver is not wearing his seat belt. So he pulls over an elderly couple, decides to give them a warning. As he approaches the vehicle, he sees the driver reach up and put on his seat belt. You know, we have a mandatory seat belt law, he says. I have my seat belt on, the old guy replies. I saw you put it on as I came up, says the cop. I’ve had it on since I left the house. Ask the wife! (Heavy sigh) Look, I’m just giving you a warning. Wear your seat belt. Old guy is outraged. My seat belt is on! I have had it on since I left my driveway. Ask the wife! Cop just wants to end it. Ma’am, do you corroborate that he’s had it on the whole time? I never argue with him when he’s been drinking.
Zen Thoughts A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember, half of the people that you know are below average. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Support bacteria. It's the only culture some people have. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
An Irishman walks into a pub and orders dozens of martinis, removing the olives, placing them in a jar, and drinking the martinis. When the jar is filled with olives and all the martinis drank, he starts to leave. The bartender stops him and asks, “Excuse me but, what was that all about?” The Irishman replies, “My wife sent me out for a jar of olives!!!”
