Boss: Murphy, you have been coming in late every day for the past eight days. Murphy: Yes but you will notice I have been leaving early to make up for it.
Statistics says; The 50-50-90 rule: If you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right... There’s a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal; -Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars. Nobody dared to move. Suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles. With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced; -We have a brave winner. After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said; -I didn't jump, someone pushed me! His wife smiled ... Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place... First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word! So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal" Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or se*x," and she said, wear sun-block!
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say.... "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. "When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. "Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Just a warning!!!! If you're buying a watch on Amazon, I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Not one to brag, but I was born sychic. For example, right now you're thinking, "It's Psychic you idiot!"
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard aboutone of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you topass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." "Three?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So, you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "Well it....no, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.
