Three boys are talking in the playground. The 1st boy says, "My Dad's the fastest man in the world." "How do you know that?" Ask the other boys. "Because he can shoot a bow and arrow and run and catch the arrow!" He replies. "That's nothing," says the 2nd boy. "My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet!". "That's nothing says the 3rd boy, "My Dad works for the government. He finishes work at 4:30pm and he's in the house at 1:00pm."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral while sorting through the attic, the deceased lawyer’s wife came upon the two forgotten pillowcases. “Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed, “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
Three Pygmy boys are bragging how their fathers are the shortest. "My father is three feet tall." "My father is two feet tall." "My father is in the hospital." "What happened?" "He fell off a ladder picking strawberries."
Proof that women do things just to start an argument. My wife called me at work yesterday and said, "I've not had time to make supper, do you want to go out?" "Yeah, that sounds good", I replied. When I got home from the restaurant, there she sat at the kitchen table all ticked off.
A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight." The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?"
A yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and told the proprietor he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks. "That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied. A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him. "Yeah," the yuppie replied: "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie: "I think I planted that last batch too close together.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man riding a bicycle, and a well dressed man riding a unicycle? Attire Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
Two rabbis were discussing their respective congregations. Oy, my members don't even come to services on the holy days. I know what you mean. Several of my congregation joined the Quakers. That's bad. Yes, some of my best Jews are friends.
I was amped up to try my hand at doing my own electrical repairs on my house. My friend cautioned me against it due to my lack of experience but I offered a lot of resistance and started doing the work anyway. The outcome of my effort was shocking.
A guy sits down at a bar. "Is everything okay?" the bartender asks."My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't going to talk to me for a month."The bartender says, "Well, maybe that's a good thing... a little peace and quiet?""Yeah but today is the last day."
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register. "Cash or charge," the clerk asked. "Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!" "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or are you going back?"
A hacker got into my bank account and left me a note. Please save more money. This was a complete waste of my time!
I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up. “You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base, so it never gets lost.”
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili. The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "Nah. Help yourself." He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request. The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.
