Luke Skywalker had a hissy fit in a restaurant. Try as he might, using chopsticks was seemingly far beyond his fledgling Jedi skills. Embarrassing himself and causing a bit of a scene, Ben Kenobi leans over and offers some wisdom: “Use the forks, Luke!”
It is a standing joke with my wife, we enjoy sushi but when ever we are seated at a restaurant I say I am going to need a fork here.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says: “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we’ve ever gotten to an accident site!!!”
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It’s a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering.
A woman saw me eating a steak and said that I shouldn’t eat meat. I told her that it’s actually plant based meat. “Oh yeah,” she said, “which plant?” I said, “The meat processing plant!!”
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession." "No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older." "But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"
My wife told me she wanted to play a game of strip poker… Turns out she just wanted to do the laundry. I ended up folding.
Dentist) This is going to pinch a little. (Patient) I love the way you guys substitute words like 'pinch' for 'pain'. (Dentist) You're right. Hang on to your chair, this is going to hurt like hell.
A guy walks into the grocery store and tries to buy some dog food. The cashier says, "Where's your dog? We have a new store policy that says you have to show us your dog for us to sell you dog food." The guy doesn't have his dog with him so he had to leave the store. The next day he comes in and tries to buy some cat food. The cashier says, "Where's your cat? We have a new store policy that says you have to show us your cat for us to sell you cat food." The guy doesn't have his cat so he had to leave. The next day he comes in with a brown paper bag. He sits it on the counter and tells the cashier to reach in and feel it. The cashier reaches in and says, "Ooo! It's so soft and warm." The customer replies, "Yeah, I need to buy some toilet paper."
Please come over and help me. I have a puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's done?" The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle pieces spread over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he says with a deep sigh ................ "Let's put all of the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Three Spanish cats – Uno, Dos, and Tres – were planning on going on a cruise As the date approached, Tres has second thoughts, as he feels something horrible might happen to the boat His friends laughed at him, and they went down to the harbor to depart on their holiday Sadly, the premonition came true – and the ship disappeared without a Tres!!!
Walking through the cemetery yesterday afternoon, saw a guy shoveling soil into a hole. Are you the regular gravedigger? I asked. No, he replied, I'm just filling in.
Joe goes into work one Monday and says to his fellow workers, "My brother dropped dead on Saturday. He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, and worked out every day. He just dropped dead." His workmates said, "Wow Joe. What happened?" Joe said, "His parachute didn't open!"
I got into the elevator on the first floor and pressed 5. The doors closed and the elevator went up to floor 4, then down a floor to 3, then 2, before it finally went back up and stopped on the 5th floor. Confused, I walked out and it was only then that I noticed the sign on the door: “Elevator out of order.”
I just saw a woman on TV being interviewed after appearing in the Guinness World Records for having the most clothes drying on a clothesline. They asked how she felt. She said it was a lot to take in.
