A man at the pearly gates was asked by St. Peter if there was anything he could share to show why he should be allowed to enter. He thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once whilst out driving I came upon a little old lady being harassed by a group of thugs. I pulled over, went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this lady or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”, asked St Peter. “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
One evening, a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her. Later in the evening, he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat. Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the window. The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant. "That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"
My wife says I’m childish… But I think she’s just mad that I wouldn’t give her the password to my pillow fort.
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much since I procrastinate a lot. I told them, "Just you wait!"
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange," the woman said. "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see," commented the doctor calmly. "That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5 cent pieces in the bowl," the woman continued. "That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50 cent pieces. This morning, there were $1 coins!" "You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Ready for this?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I'm warning you......) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Still not too late......delete now!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "You're simply going through the change!"
Prosecuting Lawyer: The defendant is accused of killing and eating a falcon, your honor. Judge: How does the accused plead? Defense Lawyer: Your honor, my client pleads "not guilty" since there is no evidence of said falcon and no witnesses. Judge: Well, I can see your point, but before I make my ruling, I'm just curious myself what falcon tastes like. Anybody know? Accused client (blurts): Somewhat like bald eagle, but more like owl...
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’ The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, ‘There’s no charge.’ ‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,’ she says. ‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the mortician says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’ ‘So I just switched the heads.’
Two Olympians are chatting in the Olympic Village. One asks the other, ‘Are you a pole vaulter?’ He says, ‘No, I’m German. How did you know my name?’
A proctologist was busy on the ward when a nurse asked him why he had a thermometer behind his ear to which he replied, "Some ^$$hole has my pen!!"
A duck walks into a pharmacy and waddles up to the counter. “I’d like some chapstick”, he tells the pharmacist. “How are you going to pay for that?” the pharmacist asks. The duck replies “Just put it on my bill”.
Do you know why women’s football took so long to grow? Because it was hard to convince 11 women to wear the same outfit!!!
