Just thought I'd stop over to check on the old lady down the road, and amazing to see that even at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer, so I'll stop back next year.
I was driving down the road and saw a hitchhiker. Being in a generous mood, I decided I’d give him a ride. After I picked him up and we started on down the road, he was very thankful, but said “you aren’t scared that I could be a serial killer or something?” So I chuckled, looked at him and said, “the chances that we are both serial killers is probably pretty low, don’t you think?”
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife. "Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?" "Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers. The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
Husband: I won't be able to sleep after wards. Wife: I can't sleep without it. Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Wife: Because I'm hot. Husband: You get hot at the darnest times. Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you. Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate. Wife: You don't love me anymore. Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob) Husband: Alright, I'll do it. Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight? Husband: I can't find it. Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it. Husband: There. Are you satisfied? Wife: Oh, yes, honey. Husband: Is it up far enough? Wife: Oh, that's fine. Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did!!!
Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm. The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him. Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly coming towards him. And as it drew level with him, it stopped. Desperate for shelter and without really thinking about what he was doing, Bill got into the back seat of the car and closed the door. That was when he realized there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t even on! Mysteriously and soundlessly, the car started moving slowly forward. Bill looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Now he was scared, and he began to fear for his life. But just before he reached the curve, a ghostly hand appeared through the window of the car, and turned the steering wheel. Bill, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. When he saw the lights of a pub down the road, Bill gathered all his bravery and strength, jumped out of the car, and ran to to the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of scotch. Shaking and half crying, he began telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just been through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was not drunk, but was for real. About 10 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet, and were out of breath. Looking around and seeing Bill sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Hey Bruce… that’s the idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it!!!”
A man with no arms or legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life.3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks "Have you ever been hugged before"? No says the man . So the woman hugs him and goes on her way. The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man walks up and asks "have you ever been kissed before?" No the man relies sorrowfully, so the woman kisses him and walks on. The 3rd woman walks up to the man and asks Have you ever been F'ed before? No says the man with a tear in his eye, The woman replied well you will be f'ed in a 1/2 hr when the tide comes up.
A police officer pulls over a semi truck. He gets the usual license and registration, but hears strange noises coming from the trailer, so he decides to investigate. Inside, he finds 50 penguins. “Sir, why do you have 50 penguins in your truck?” The officer asks the driver “Well, they’re my friends, and we like to go on journeys together in my truck” the man replies “I’m sorry sir, but you can’t just own 50 penguins. I’m afraid you’re going to have to take them to the zoo” The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same cop pulls the truck over again, and once again hears strange noises in the trailer. He goes to check and finds the same 50 penguins. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!” The cop angrily tells the driver “I did take them to the zoo! They loved it! Today we’re going to the beach!!!!”
Must be getting old. Can’t remember if I’ve posted that one before or not. If I have I’m sorry. Hope you smiled at it anyway.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
I have a friend who has sex 2 to 3 times per week, works out twice a day, reads two books a week, and, yet he still complains about how much he hates prison!!!!
While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead!!!!”
A man's wife asks him to drop by the hospital after work and visit his mother-in-law, who was in a serious condition. When he gets home, she worriedly asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?" He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!" "Wow that's amazing!" says the wife. "But this is very strange, dear. Yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she'd only have a few days to live!" "Well, I don't know how she was yesterday," he replied. "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst".
One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat. “What did you do today?” I asked. She couldn’t wait to tell me. “We learned that boys are different from girls” she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. “My teacher told us that boys have a thing and girls don’t,” she added. “Well, yes they do…” I said cautiously. I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. “That’s how girls know that boys are boys,” she said. “They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy.” I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour. “Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?” My palms were beginning to sweat. Um…well…” I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject when she asked, “Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?” Well, I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn’t asked herself that question at least once? “Oh, well…um…” I stammered. She didn’t wait for my answer. She had her own. “It’s ‘cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that’s when they know they are boys and that’s when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked.” That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole, I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. “I drew a picture,” she said. “Do you want to see?” I wasn’t sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud. She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it… and I did… she got over her pique. That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I’m not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven’t looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since!!!!
A French baker was crushed to death by 1000 baguettes. They said he died in a lot of pain. ---- A french cheese storehouse exploded, there was de brie everywhere
Wife just phoned her husband and the conversation went like this: Wife: “You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?” Husband: “Yeah.” Wife: “Well, wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds.” Husband: “Right… I’ve done that.” Wife: “OK, you see the Gladiator at the front fighting the Lion?” Husband: “I can see that, yeah.” Wife: “OK, well, just behind him, there are two Gladiators having a sword fight with each other.” Husband: “Okay, yeah, I see them.” Wife: “Well, behind those two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a Gladiator holding a spear.” Husband: “Yes… I can see him.” Wife: “Right… Those are the Sandals I want for Christmas!!!!!”
