I said to my wife “There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween.” She said: "Which is?" I said: "Exactly"
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but ^$$holes.
A man’s car was haunted by a ghost, so he took it to a priest to have the ghost exorcised. The priest said he would do it for $500, and the man agreed, so the priest sprayed some holy water, blessed the car, and got the ghost out. Unfortunately, the man fell on hard times and wasn’t able to pay the church, so his car got repossessed!!!
I can’t believe my deaf best friend and my deaf girlfriend have been having an affair. To be honest though, I should have seen the signs.
There are 10 types of people. Those that understand binary, & those that don't. Make that 11 types. Those that understand binary, those that don't, and those who didn't grasp this joke even if they understand binary.
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can’t seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won’t be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he’s unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn’t pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals— the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. “Oh no! This always happens with identical twins”. “What do you mean?” asks the dentist. “Well… if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I’ve come to take him to the underworld. I’m afraid his time on Earth has ended. I’ll take my leave now.” The dentist is noticeably upset. He says “Wait! Isn’t there some way I can challenge you for my brother’s life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life.” The grim reaper asks “What do you have in mind?” The dentist thinks. “How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free.” The grim reaper laughs. “I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?” The dentist smiles. “I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide.” “Very well” says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It’s glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. “You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance.” The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It’s unbelievable. The shine from the dentist’s teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper’s reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. “You win, human. This time. Your brother will live.” He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It’s his brother, the dentist. He picks up. “Hey bro. You’ll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died.” The dentist smiles on the phone and says. “That’s interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death.”
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both!!!" FYI: No, I don’t have an upstairs in our house!
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school." "Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?" The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"
My girlfriend just dumped me. She said in a teary tirade: “I can’t take your crap anymore. You’re so pedantic. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north and then you’ll never hear from me again” She was about to close the door when I yelled “No, no….waaaiiit” She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained. That was when I uttered those three magic words. “Gary and I"
When I was in 7th grade, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day, I asked my English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in our pronunciation, like the letter "H" in hour, or honor?" My English teacher said, "We are not ignoring them, they're considered silent." I was even more confused. During our lunch break, the teacher gave me her lunch and asked me to go to the cafeteria and heat it up. I ate all of the food and returned the empty container to my teacher. My English teacher asked, "What happened? I asked you to go and heat my food and you return with an empty container?" I replied, "I thought that the "H" was silent."
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut? GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza. CALLER: Sorry, I have dialed wrong number. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month. CALLER: Ok, I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: your last 12 orders shows, extra-large pizza with cheeses, sausage on a thick crust. CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have. GOOGLE: Sir, may suggest would Gluten free vegetarian pizza? CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza. GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How the hell do you know that? GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your phone number with your medical records. CALLER: Ok, but I don’t want your rotten veg pizza! I have taken medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: But your medication wasn’t regular. you just bought 30 cholesterol tablets once,4 months ago from Loyd pharmacy. CALLER: I bought more from another pharmacy. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER: WTH man! I’m going on island to live without internet & social media. GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport. It expired 6 weeks ago. (Click)
An old man is lying on his deathbed. It has been months since he was able to get out of bed on his own. As he closes his eyes for what he thinks might be the last time, he suddenly realizes he smells something familiar. It's one of his favorite smells in the world. It's his wife's chocolate chip cookies. He thinks about his wife, who had stood by his side for 50 years, who gave him their three wonderful children, who has cared for him through this last horrible illness, and is now in the kitchen, making him his favorite treat one final time, and tears come to his eyes. It gives him the strength to raise his head, and sit up, and put his feet on the floor. He slowly makes his way out of the room and down the stairs, nearly collapsing at several points, but lead on by the delicious smell of his favorite cookies. He makes it to the kitchen, and sees the cookies on a platter, dozens of them, warm and inviting. He reaches out with one shaky hand, his mouth watering. Suddenly his wife smacks the back of his hand with a spatula. "Don't touch those!" she shouts. "They're for the funeral!"
