Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"
So, there is a lot of talk about kids identifying as cats or dogs “furries”, and this is ridiculous. Imagine if you can, that one of my boys told me they thought they were a cat? Sitting at the supper table son says: “Dad, I think I’m a cat! Dad: “No son, you’re a boy! “ My son: “No dad some of my friends at school identify as cats, they call themselves furries, and so do I! It’s my right and you can’t do anything about it!” Dad: “OK!! “ My son: “Hey, where’s my supper? “ Dad: “Your supper is in the cat food bowl in the corner. Now get off the table you mangy cat!” My son: “What???” Dad: hits him with a broom, “get off the table furball!!” My son in the corner looking bewildered! Me to my wife: “Is that cat neutered”?? My wife: “I will make an appointment!! “ My son: “What??? “ Dad: “Your mother and I have decided we don’t want a house cat, so get out to the barn and hunt mice!” My son: “What???” Dad: brandishes broom, “NOW, to the barn you stupid cat!!” My son: “Dad, I think I’m a boy!” Dad: “I thought so, now sit down and eat your supper!!” Spay and neuter these animals. Stop them from reproducing. Today’s society has enough fruit loops already. End of story!
A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night, needing a bathroom very badly. He runs downstairs to where his mother is playing cards with her friends. “Mommy, Mommy!” he yells. “I gotta pee, I gotta pee!” His mother is very embarrassed but takes him to the bathroom; as she takes him back to bed, she says, “Now son, that wasn’t very polite. Next time, whisper instead, please.” The boy obliges as he goes to sleep. The next night, the boy wakes up needing the bathroom very badly again. He runs downstairs to where his mother is chatting with her friends. “Mommy, Mommy!” he yells. “I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!” His mother is amused by the misunderstanding but doesn’t bother to correct him. As she leads him back to bed, she says, “That was very good of you, son.” The next night, the boy wakes up needing the bathroom very badly again. He runs downstairs to where his father is reading the newspaper. “Daddy, Daddy!” he yells. “I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!” His father replies, “Well, go ahead, son and whisper right in Daddy’s ear.”
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Three aspiring psychiatrists Eric, Peter and Murphy were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said Eric "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said Peter "And you sir," "How about the opposite of woe?" Murphy replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up."
My dad was a conjoined twin. His brother was my uncle on my father's side. Once they were separated, he was my uncle once removed.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath, so Dewey asks him, what the heck is wrong with you? Ray says, "I've been running from the cops, but I finally lost them." Dewey then asked, "what the heck did you do?" Ray replied, " I was peeing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" "That's not against the law" said Dewey, "That's what I thought," said Ray. "But those guys at Home Depot sure must have thought it was"
A man goes to the doctor complaining about constantly hearing the song “Delilah” in his head. The doctor says, “That sounds like a textbook case of Tom Jones syndrome.” The man asks, “Never heard of that. Is it common?” The doctor responds, “It’s not unusual.”
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. John which company has the slogan "Just do it" he answers "Mom"
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out f his fly and orders a beer. Bartender pours the pirate a beer and asks, is that a steering wheel hanging out your fly? Pirate takes a big swig, sets the mug down and says, yar, it's driving me nuts.
Patient: Doctor, I have a little man in my head, and he's cursing all the time! Doctor: Well, this problem is really easy to fix! It will cost you $1000. Patient: Doctor, do you know what the little guy just said?
A man on a plane is terrified to find the Grim Reaper seated next to him. “Relax,” the Grim Reaper says to him. “I’m not here for you. It’s the pilot I’m here for!!!”
