My neighbor just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, I didn't know you had any dogs. He replied, they're not my dogs, they're my sisters. I said, "Wow, your sisters are really, really ugly."
A couple arrived at the boarding gate just in time to see their plane taking off. The husband was angry to have missed the plane. “If you weren’t so slow in getting ready,” he complained to his wife, “we wouldn’t have missed the plane.” “And if you wouldn’t have rushed me, we wouldn’t have so long to wait until the next flight,” she replied.
A reporter heard that a man in town was turning 101 years old and went to interview him. He asked him “What’s the secret to your long life?” The old man said “The secret to long life is clean living: never drink alcohol, never smoke, never use foul language.” Just then they heard a commotion and string of expletives coming from the foyer. “Who’s that?” the reporter asked. “Oh, that’s just my older brother coming home drunk from the cigar shop again.”
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine. I used to feed gorillas at the zoo using a golf club from a distance. I’d drive them bananas.
All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple. The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom. "But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."
During the big flood around Fargo in 1975, Ole and Sven waited by the river banks with toothbrushes. The were waiting for the Crest.
I was going to cook alligator for dinner but I realized I only had a croc pot. Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating his guilt, but there was no corpse. In his closing statement, the defense attorney resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” he said. “I have a surprise for you all—within one minute, the person presumed dead will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, stunned, all looked eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the business about the dead man walking in. But you all looked at the door with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I must insist that you return a verdict of ‘not guilty.’” The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, they returned and pronounced a verdict of “guilty.” “But how could you do that?” bellowed the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied, “Oh, we looked, but your client didn’t!!!”
A woman is playing with her one year old baby. “You’re so lucky… you slept, you ate, you played, you pooped, and then you slept again.” Her husband’s voice from the bathroom, “Hey, it’s my day off!”
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Walking through the cemetery yesterday afternoon, I saw a chap shoveling soil into a hole. "Are you the regular gravedigger?" I asked "No", he replied, "I'm just filling in".
