A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Looking out my window, I saw a guy pulling a heavy logging chain along the sidewalk. Five minutes later he went the other way. Five minutes later he came by again!!!! I went out and asked him why he was pulling this heavy chain back and forth. His response, "are you kidding me? Have you ever tried to push one'?
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to nibble my ear." Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. I ordered 2000 lbs. of Chinese soup. It was Won Ton. Did you hear about the kidnaping at school? It's okay. He woke up. Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work.
Bill was walking down the street when he ran into an old friend he hadn't seen for a while, so they went into a coffee shop to catch up. "Did you hear that old Dave died the other day?" Bill asked. "What? But I just saw him last week! How did it happen?" "Well, he was coming around to my place when his car skidded on the stones out front, smashed through the fence, flipped into the air and he was hurled through the windscreen and straight through the upstairs bedroom window." "Boy, poor old Dave. What a way to go." "No, that didn't kill him. There he was, lying in broken glass on the bedroom floor, so he grabbed hold of the wardrobe door handle to pull himself up, and ended up tipping the whole thing over, fell right on top of him." "Damn, crushed to death!" "No, that didn't kill him. He got to his feet, tripped on the loose glass, staggered out the bedroom door and straight down the stairs, taking the banisters with him. Ended up at the bottom of the stairs with a banister pole through his chest." "Speared to death, my god!" "No, that didn't kill him. He managed to stand up and go into the kitchen, slipped on the blood from his chest, fell forward, went straight through the glass oven door and ended up with his head in the roasting pan." "So gassed to death!" "No, that didn't kill him. He picked himself up and..." "Wait a minute, after all that he still wasn't dead? How did he die then?" "I shot him." "You shot him??? Why???" "I had to, he was wrecking the place."
TEACHER: José, go to the map and find North America. JOSÉ: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered North America? CLASS (in unison): José! SAM: Would you punish me for something I didn't do? TEACHER: No, of course not. SAM: Good, because I didn't do my homework. TEACHER: If I gave you four cats today and six cats tomorrow, how many cats would you have? JANE: Eleven. TEACHER: That's not right, you'd have ten. JANE: No, Miss, I'd have eleven. I already have one cat at home! TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday? CHARLIE: Eight. TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday? CHARLIE: Ten. TEACHER: That's impossible. CHARLIE: No, it isn't. I'm nine today. TEACHER: Why are you late? DANA: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? DANA: The one that says, SCHOOL AHEAD, GO SLOW.
Four blonde's, out for a walk, came across some tracks in the snow. The first blonde said, 'i know what made them, It's a fox'. The second blonde said 'you're wrong, it's a rabbit'! The third blonde said 'no, you're both wrong, it's a badger'! The fourth blonde said 'you're all wrong, It's a --------- ' That was when the train hit them.
I got $5 dollars from my mom. She told me to take my brother to the movies, but not to bring him home before 6, so they had time to prepare his surprise birthday party. That’s the day I realized he was the favorite twin!!!!!
My wife asked me what I would do if she dies first. Apparently, the correct answer is NOT “Finally show up to things on time!!!”
A lawyer calls a plumber for help. The plumber assesses the situation and says, “I can fix it today for $800.” The lawyer, surprised, asks, “How long will it take?” The plumber replies, “I’ll need about an hour to get a part from the supply house and another hour to do the repair.” The lawyer, smirking, says, “Two hours for $800? That’s $400 per hour! I’m a lawyer, and I charge $350 per hour!” The plumber nods and says, “Yes, I understand. That’s why I left my law practice!!!”
The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” As time went by, the hours flew, and the margaritas disappeared far too quickly. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”…. he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh <deleted>” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
I got pulled over by a female cop. When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said “NOTHING.” Can I go then? “Sure. Whatever. If you want you can go.” Starts engine “Oh, you’re really leaving. Just like this?!” Come on, tell me, what is it you stopped me for? “It’s Fine.” You sure? “Does this badge make me look fat?”
Does this dress make me look fat?”, asks the wife. “Does this shirt make me look bald?”, asks back the husband. “But you ARE bald”, says the wife. “My point exactly!”, says the husband. (He'll be out of Intensive Care by Monday!!!!)
Me: My name is Matt, and I’m an alcoholic. AAA: This is AAA, not AA. Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake!!!!
The Italians have decided to put a clock on the Leaning Tower of Pisa. After all, what's the point of having the inclination if you don't have the time?
