A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the S#!t."
A night an officer walks along the canal. He shines his flashlight into the canal and sees a man struggling in the water. The man shouts, "Help.... help me.... I'm drowning!" The officer says: "That's a good thing, otherwise you would have received a fine, because you are not allowed to swim here!"
My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon. Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.” “Tom who?” I asked. My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course.”
"I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter"
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course, child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?” “Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
A man was walking his two dogs. A passer-by asked, "What are their names?" The man replied, "Rolex and Omega." "Wow, I have never heard those names for dogs," the stranger said. The man explained, These are "WATCHDOGS."
Beggar sitting on the street in NYC.... An older man comes around every day and puts 2$ into his hat.... But one day he only puts 50 cents.... Beggar asks why normally it's 2$ but today only 50 cents.... "Well, you know, yesterday my son enrolled in college. He'll be a student!" exclaims the man all proud.... "And I'm paying for that?!"
A progressive cleric in church told about having been mugged, but that despite the experience, he was still a progressive with compassion for the downtrodden. From a pew in the back of the congregation, an elderly woman called out, “Mug him again!”
