My Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on their porch swing enjoying the nice evening breeze, when Grandpa lovingly leaned over and said, "Hey Ma, I'm gonna have some ice cream, would you like some?" "Yeah, Pa, but you'd better write it down or you'll forget", says Grandma. Grandpa replies, "I won't forget." "Alright then", says Grandma, "I'd like nuts and whipped cream and a cherry on mine. You'd better write that down, Pa you're gonna forget it." Disgruntled, Grandpa storms off to the kitchen mumbling that he wouldn't forget. Well he's in there a long time, and when he finally does return, he has the best lookin' plate of scrambled eggs you ever saw. He smiles his best smile and leans over to give it to Grandma. She just smiles back and says, "I told you that you'd better write it down, you old coot, you forgot my bacon!!!"...
Kid's say the darndest things.... HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.- Ricky, age 10
Back in the day I could walk in a store with $25 and walk out with 6 porterhouse steaks, 2 chickens, a case of beer, 5 bottles of wine, 2 loaves of bread and a gallon of milk. Can’t do that today. Too many dang cameras!!!!!
I just got fired but I didn’t even do anything. So I interviewed for another job. The interviewer said he was looking for someone who is responsible. I replied, “Well, I’m exactly who you want. At my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!” Somehow, I actually got the job. They said they could pay me $25/hr right now and increase it to $35/hr in 12 months. “So when can you start?” they asked. “In 12 months.”
While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient’s shins were covered with dark bruises. “Tell me,” said the doctor, “do you play hockey or soccer?” “Neither,” said the man. “My wife and I play bridge.”
After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go? The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was. The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders. The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders. The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long. The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left. He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?" The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
A six-year-old boy asks his dad to take him to McDonald's, but the dad is not interested, so he says, 'Only if you can spell the name of the restaurant.' The boy tries but fails. The next day, he asks again, 'Can we go to Burger King?' But once more, his dad asks him to spell the name before they go, and boy tries again without success. On the third day, the boy comes home eagerly from school and says, 'Dad, can we eat out tonight, please? Can we go to KFC?'"
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!"
His minister told the 80-year old man that he should be giving some thought to the hereafter. “Oh, I think about it all the time,” he assured him. “Really?” said the minister, pleased. “Sure,” he said. “Whenever I open a drawer or walk into a room, I ask myself, ‘Now, what am I here after?’”
A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle. The frog hops into the princess’ lap and says, “My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so.” That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, “I don’t think so!!!!”
He was out with his new girlfriend, when a mouse jumped out of now where. To impress her, he picked up a brick and smashed it in the head. He's now single and he's banned from Disneyland!
LAWS THAT ISAAC NEWTON FORGOT TO TELL US ABOUT 1. WORKSHOP LAW OF BREAD: When the buttered slice of bread falls it always falls on the buttered side. 2. LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queue, the one you just left starts to move faster than the one you are in now. 3. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR After your hands become coated with grease, your nose begins to itch. 4. LAW OF THE TOOLS: Any tool, when dropped, rolls to the least accessible corner. 5. BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. 6. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 7. LAW OF THE RESULT When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will! 8. LAW OF BIOMECHANICAL: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 9. LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 10. LAW OF EXAM: A book will remain in state of rest or covered in dust until exams time. 11. LAW OF SLEEP: The nap becomes enjoyable when the alarm sounds. 12. LAW OF CHEAPER THINGS You always get the cheaper things once you have bought the expensive one.
A Blonde failed the written Driving Test 4 times. At the Fifth attempt, she was determined to pass. But the test had the same question. "You are driving at 100 mph. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road you see an Old Man and a Young Man. What will you hit?” The Woman walked up to the Examiner and said. "I've answered this question all four ways, Wall, Cliff, Old Man and Young Man, yet I failed all Four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit?" The Examiner replied. "The Brakes!"
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. ”Ever have an accident?” "Nope, nary a one.” "None? You’ve never had any accidents.” "Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.” "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?” "Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon. However, when he’s finished his drink, he walks out to find his horse has been stolen. The cowboy walks back into the bar, loosens his guns in their holsters and says, ‘I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas.’ The cowboy has his drink and goes out to find his horse is back where he left it. The bartender calls out after him, ‘Hey partner, what exactly did happen in Texas?’ The cowboy says, ‘I had to walk home!’
A Puzzle for Darwin On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
The mental asylum was getting full and they had to discharge some patients. The psychiatrist devised a simple test to see which patients had recovered enough to return to society. He assembled all patients and drew a door on a chalkboard. He then announced that whoever was able to open that door would be released from the asylum. Chaos broke out! The patients began running and fighting to be first to the chalkboard. They began to push, kick, scratch and even bite the door. Disappointed, the psychiatrist was about to give up when he saw a patient calmly standing next to the wall. Hopefully, he approached the patient and asked him, “Why aren’t you rushing to the door?” The patient replied, “I’m not so mad as the rest to rush to it. There’s no way they can open it.” The psychiatrist asked him, “Why’s that?” “I have the key!” the patient replied.
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work." The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
