My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly bear on each bicep... She is infringing on my right to bear arms!
Walking down the street I notice a pan handler looking up with his hands out. I asked "What are you doing?" He says "I'm praying for money." I say "You know that doesn't work." He says "I'll bet you $10 it does." I say ok. So the panhandler says "You have the $10. Let me see it and put it in my hand" So I get $10 and put it in his hand. The panhandler then looks up and says "THANK YOU!!"
Signs you are getting old: 1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room. 2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses. 3. You are proud of your lawn mower. 4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law. 5. You can sing along with elevator music. 6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, 'Did I wake you up?'
A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, 'What's in the bags?' The fellow says, 'Sand!' The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border. Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated... 'What have you there?' 'Sand' 'We want to examine.' Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again. Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, 'Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything - what were you smuggling?' The fellow says, 'Bicycles.'
A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States." Receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?" Redneck: "Why, is it required?"
A blonde was pulling into Walmart, with her Labrador puppy in the back of the truck. She said to herself, “I’ll just be a minute.” She thought about it for a moment, turned and said “Stay!” As she headed towards the store, she had second thoughts, turned around and once again said, “Stay!” Approaching the front door she looked back towards the truck with the puppy one last time and again said, “Stay!” A passerby glanced at her and casually said, “Perhaps you should just put it in park.”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I'd not seen in years. "This is Beth," I said, introducing my kid. "And what's Beth short for?" he asked. "Because she's only three," I answered.
A man married two women, Kate for her money, an Edith for her body. He regularly spent 2 weeks of each month at each wife’s home and of course neither Kate nor Edith was aware of the other wife. One day, he slipped up and Kate found phone messages to Edith. Kate called Edith and after talking a bit, both reported him and he was arrested. The charges: having his Kate and Edith too.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
I have just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden. And I’m thinking, “Who the heck is going to let me know when it’s raining in Sweden?”
A guy driving along the highway at 70mph sees a chicken running alongside the car and keeping up. Crazy enough the chicken has three legs! The guy punches it to 80 and the chicken stays with it then cuts off down a country road. The guy follows it into the driveway of a farm and sees the farmer. “Did you see a three legged chicken speed in here?” “Yeah that’s mine. I breed them that way because me, my wife, and my son all like drumsticks,” the farmer tells the driver. “Wow that’s amazing! How do they taste?” the guy asks. “Dunno” said the farmer, “never caught one yet.”
A woman in her mid 50's goes to her Doctor because she has a hole between her breasts, the Doctor examined her and the woman is very concerned Doctor what is it, what could it be. Doctor says mam, you are just fine that is your belly button.
An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session. He was asked, "Property holder?" Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor." Then he was asked, "Married or single?" Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor." Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?" Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor.
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, Darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down, 'Piggy.'
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy, very red complexion. "I know," said the patient, "it's from high blood pressure and it's from my family." "Your mothers side or fathers side?" questioned the doctor. "Neither, my wife's side." "What do you mean?" the doctor said, "That cannot be. How can you get it from your wife's family?" "Oh yeah, definitely," the patient responded, "you should meet them sometime!"
Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over. Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time. It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone. So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile. Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first." Bob jumped. Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, "Hey Bob! How deep did you go?" Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!" Dan jumps and goes clear up to his neck in manure. He says to Bob, "I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?" Bob replies, "I did, but I landed head first!"
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1999. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
