A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain..." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say...," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said: "What a weird hairdo! Who screwed up your hair?"
A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit. When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure. Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’ And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A redneck decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running. A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died. Another month passes and he's back at the dealer's for another hundred chickens. "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."
A long time ago there was a pirate by the name of Yaco Jones who sailed the southern Caribbean seas causing havoc everywhere he went. Alongside he had his trusted first mate who followed every order without question. Yaco will attack every ship from every country and take everything he could carry in his frigate. Every time he was to attack a ship, port or bastion, he will order his first mate to bring him a blood red colored shirt which he wore into battle. An so he attacked every place, ship, town, etc that was in his route, always attacking them wearing his red shirt. News of the pirate reached all reigns which all decided to put a stop to the pirate. One day when Yaco decided to attack a small town, he asked for his red shirt from the first mate, "aye Captain" first mate replied, turn around and stopped. Then turn to Yaco and asked, "Sir with no means to disrespect your authority, why you always ask for the red shirt before going to battle?". The pirate captain approached his first mate and asked him to never tell anyone what he was about to confess. The first mate agreed, and the captain said " I wear the red shirt into battle so that if I get hurt none of my crew could see the blood stains and continue to fight on, that's why we always win". The first mate thought it was very clever of his captain and got him the red shirt and went on to raid the town which they also won over. And so on they went attacking everything that crossed their way. One day while in the high seas, the observer yelled "ship ahoy" then paused, yelled again "ships ahoy" looked again and said distraught "Captain you better come to deck" . As the captain walked out of his quarters he realized that there were over 50 battle ships all around them with guns ready. The Captain yelled for his first mate who came running and asked " your Red shirt Sir?". "No" the captain replied, "My Brown pants please, and hurry!"....
A man's age as determined by a trip to the hardware store You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit... shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to the hardware store to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following... IN YOUR 20'S Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite aftershave because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register. IN YOUR 30'S Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite aftershave to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with. IN YOUR 40'S Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to the hardware store. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel creepy checking out her cleavage [although it doesn't stop you]. IN YOUR 50'S Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog poop in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you've still got it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from a Beer & Bait Bar and says "I Got Worms". IN YOUR 60'S Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poop off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure. IN YOUR 70'S Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to the hardware store until the chemist has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realise your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch. IN YOUR 80'S Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to the hardware store. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
A father and his 13 year old son walk into the pharmacy. The son sees the boxes of condoms and asks: "What are these dad?" And the father answers truthfully: "These, my boy, are called condoms. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh.. i see! the boy answers. They shown them to us at school, in the sex education class." Then the boy looks at a packet with 3 condoms in it and asks: "Why does this one have only 3 in it dad?" "This, son is for high-school kids: One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday." Then the boy looks at another packet that has 6 inside. "What about this one? Why does it have 6 in?" "This is for college students: Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." Then the kid sees that packet with 12 inside and with great wonder asks: "And this one dad, with 12 inside?" His father sighs and explains to him: "These my boy, are for married people. One for January, one for February, one for March.....
In a small southern town in Arkansas, there was a nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature stood out. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, a visitor decided to ask a local what it meant. At a shop on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage: "People these days never do read the Bible!" The visitor assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face she said, ‘See, it says right thar, “The three wise man came from afar.”’
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior"widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date, I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well, I'll tell you, he turned up at my bungalow punctually at 7 oclock, Dressed like a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me a lovely bunch of flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and outside my bungalow a limousine was waiting, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show, let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we get back to my bungalow, and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ...... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs...
I've had days like this. "WHERE IS MY SUNDAY PAPER?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Madam", said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY". There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter . . . "Dang, that explains why no one was at church either.
An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake." "Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea." There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?" The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
So a husband and wife have been having marriage issues, one night they get into a big ole heated arguement and she takes off stompin to the bedroom, shortly thereafter the husband follows her to either console her or see what she is doing. Upon entering the bedroom he sees that she is angrily stuffing suitcases with her clothes and asks ''where do you think you're going?'' She retorts with "to Vegas..." "for what?" he says She says "To get paid $800 an hour for what i do for free for you!!" The man chuckles to himself and starts throwing his clothes in one of the bags also, she then of course asks him "and what the hell do you think you're doing?'' The man says ''goin with you" Now shes angry and asks why the hell is he going with her, the man just smiles and replies "I wanna see how your gonna live on $800 a year.........."
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
A few days before Christmas, a man goes to a pet store looking for an unusual gift for his wife. The store manager shows him a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. The man agrees that Chet is pretty but he isn’t singing. The manager reaches for his lighter, holds it under Chet’s left foot and immediately the Parrot starts singing “Silent Night, Holy Night.” The husband was very impressed and watched as the manager moved the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot and he began singing “Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.” The husband said the bird was perfect and took him home. Arriving home he was so excited that he insisted on giving his wife her wonderful gift right away. He presented Chet the parrot and explained his unique talent. As his wife watched, he held his lighter under Chet’s left foot and sure enough he started singing “Silent Night.” With his wife’s jaw dropping, He moved the flame under his right foot and Chet sang “Jingle Bells.” His wife, totally blown away but with a mischievous grin asked her husband what he suppose would happen if he held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Curious, the husband placed his lighter where his wife suggested and immediately the bird broke into, “Chet’s nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!”
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.* He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.* As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.* He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"* The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Some old men can still think fast.
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping ... Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
