The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Ole doing a slow and deliberate striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender of his weathered Oshkosh denim overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his denim braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips exposing his red & black plaid flannel shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his red union suit (underwear for our younger readers). And with a final flourish, he hurls his flat cap on to the straw pile. "Vat on earth ar ya doin Ole?" asks Sven. "Yumpin Yimminy, Sven, ya scared da livin bejeevas out of me!", exclaimed an obviously embarrassed Ole; "but, me and the Missus - vell, ve ben havin some troubles lately in da bedroom department and da terapist said I got to do something sexy to a tractor."
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?" The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
He arrived at her apartment for their date, but she was late getting ready. Coming out of the shower with a towel wrapped around body, she asked, “Would you like to see me in my new dress?” “Actually,” he said with a smile, “I would like nothing better!!!!”
At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child. "Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.' "But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?" One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"
The young lovers shed their clothing as the night closed in on the deserted beach. After the passion had died down, the man asked, “By the way, am I the first man you ever made love to?” “Well, of course you are, but why do you men always ask the same ridiculous question?”
IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG. Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who bit six people wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, and three flag burners. FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !
A pot head gets really high on some good crap and goes home. He gets inside the house and sees his father’s shoes. Oh crap, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!! Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room… Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper. My bad pops, sorry.. *shuts the door* Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the kitchen! Our pot head rushes to the kitchen, opens the door and sees the same thing, his father is sitting there and reading a newspaper. Uhm… sorry pops… *shuts the door * crap, he is fast…. Then I am going to hide in the balcony!! Rushes to the balcony, opens the door and the same thing… dad sitting there with the newspaper… but before he gets to apologize his pops says: Son, if you open the bathroom door one more time, I am gonna come out and beat the crap out of you.
This is a long one!! Pour a cup of coffee!!! So there was this Gorilla in a cage at Bobs local Gas Station. On the cage there is a large sign stating, “DO NOT TOUCH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.” Bob always found it to be rather peculiar that there was a Gorilla left in a cage at his local Gas Station, but hey ho. For months he went about his commute to work, each day stopping at the Gas Station to top up. Each day his curiosity grew and grew. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Bob arrived at the Gas Station to top up and continue his usual mundane journey to work. He was a successful business man you see, pretty good at his job too. One cold December morning, Bob, couldn’t take it anymore. Instead of taking his Visa debit card from the reader and getting straight back into his car, he turned around. He turned around and caught the eyes of the large, hairy, dangerous- looking, and extremely angry beast. With extreme caution, Bob, began to walk toward the Gorilla. Each step watched on by the angry mammal. Bob stood no more than a foot away from the cage. He could feel the warm breath of the Gorilla on his face. “I have waited too long for this,” Bob uttered to himself. The Gorilla, at this point had clasped the metal bars that separate them both. Bob raised his clenched hand, barely an inch between the Gorillas hand and his. The sign seemed bolder than ever before, but Bob had had enough. He lifted his index finger and poked the Gorillas Right hand clasped on the bars. The beast erupted. Bob fell to the floor and began to drag himself back to the car as the Gorilla began to tear the cage apart. There was a shower of debris falling around Bob as the Gorilla aggressively become more and more enraged as the cage began to disintegrate. Bob stumbled to his feet and headed straight for his car, opened the door, locked it and started the engine. The wheels screeched and the beast yelled. It was free. Bob began to accelerate with the beast hot on his trail. Never before has anyone set eyes upon something so enraged and angry. The blood had drained from poor Bobs face and a heavy feeling of nausea set in as he sped away from the Gorilla. Slowly, the enraged beast became a spec in the rear view mirror. A sigh of relief was issued and the blood returned to Bobs face. Finally, it was over. He did it! He went against the signs instruction after so many months and he finally did it! Back to his commute, the memory of the Gorilla still fresh in his mind, but no longer of concern. Slowly the car halted as Bob abides to the traffic lights. Bob reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of Marlboro cigarettes and lit one. Window down, arm out into the bitter cold and the cigarette in hand. Bob turned his head to the vehicle also halted next to his. Fear struck the eyes of Bob. His hands went limp as the cigarette fell landing on the asphalt. The blood had left his face once again as he realised that the Gorilla was sat in the car right next to him. There it was, those large hands that clasped the cage now clasped the wheel of the car it was in. The beast had its gaze directed at Bob. It was soul tearing. Bob could feel his eyes burning from the intensity and anger from the Gorillas gaze. The wheels screeched. This time not four, but eight wheels as the two began to accelerate. Bob began to ram the side of the Gorillas vehicle to try for an escape as did the Gorilla to Bob for another purpose. Still Bob could feel the burning gaze of the extremely infuriated Gorilla. The lanes began to merge and ahead was a large Truck heading straight down the opposite lane. Bob and the Gorilla began to accelerate for the dominance of the lane. Bob forced his foot deep into his accelerator, forcing his eyes shut and edging ever so slightly past the Gorillas car. A large blow from the truck horn then suddenly, CRASH. Bobs eyes began to open. He, had won the lane. The pesky, angry Gorilla was gone, maybe even dead! Finally Bob relaxed again and pulled up to work. After a quick discussion with his Boss as to why he was late, he headed to his office. He sat down and once again, breathed a sigh of relief. Four wheels for four walls. He pushed back into his chair and raised his feet onto his desk. “What a day!” He exclaimed as he laughed to himself, realising it was barely 10am. A few hours pass by and Bob gets a call from management to go down to one of the conference rooms to discuss business. He tells them that he’ll be down in 5 minutes. Bob gets out of his chair and leaves his office through the door that overlooks all the cubicles on his floor. He takes a quick look around and begins to feel that burn again. That burn he felt a few hours ago at the traffic lights. He scans the top of the cubicles once again, only this time meeting the eyes of a smartly dressed, large, pissed off Gorilla. The Gorilla screams a loud and mighty roar and begins to tear down all the cubicles separating him from Bob. Quickly, Bob heads for the elevator and smacks at the button witnessing the destruction left by the Gorilla in a cloud of paper and computer keyboards. DING! The elevator door opens and Bob clambers inside once again frantically hitting the button to close the door. Each and every hit of the button the Gorilla locks in. The doors begin to close, it felt like a lifetime, but eventually they seal. A sigh of relief, all to familiar today. BANG “THE GODDAMN GORILLA IS ON THE BLOODY ROOF OF THIS ELEVATOR!” Quick to think, life or death, Bob clicks the highest floor he can go to, the roof, in hope the elevator crushes the Gorilla. The elevator begins to rise with the Gorilla pounding down with its fists. DING! Bob runs out onto the roof, the highest floor. Outside and cold with no escape but to jump. All he can do now is hope his plan worked. Then one last punch. Bob sees the Gorillas’ fist punch through the elevator, covered in blood and metal. Bob falls to his knees with tears in his eyes. “This is it…” he thought as the Gorilla eventually got out. The Gorilla panting heavily, each breath exaggerated with anger began to walk towards the wailing, crying businessman. Step by step, beg by beg. “Please… Please don’t kill me, Gorilla!” The beasts eyes, blood red, forcing into the begging mans eyes and with that, the beast lifted its hands into the air. Clenched and ready to strike. “Please… I’m sorry.” As quickly as the man begged, the Gorillas right hand began to fall with such speed and force. The man froze, clenching every muscle in his body, ready to be killed, only to open one eye to notice that the Gorillas hand was poised above his shoulder. As his did at the Gas station, the Gorilla extended its index finger and poked hard into the Bobs shoulder. With one last look into the Mans eyes, the Gorilla opened its mouth. The world had froze for Bob. This was it… “You’re it!!!” And off the Gorilla ran.
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrowfull of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of thatstraw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you thinkthe man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a b***h!! A talking pig!' The teacher had to leave the room.
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!" The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?” “Because knowing the Democrats in federal government, they would lower the highways.”
