Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Why does Batman wear Dark clothing? Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright clothing? Batman doesn’t want to get shot.
I think, I’m going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer. The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car. Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!” Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.” Officer: “Ok, let’s do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?” Me: “A car.” Officer: “Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?” Me: “I have no idea!” Officer: “So, you’re drunk.” Me: “But I didn’t drink anything.” Officer: “Okay, one more test — Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it? Me: “A motorcycle.” Officer: “Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?” Me: “I have no idea!” Officer: “As I suspected, you’re drunk!” Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question. Me: “So, counter question — You’re driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?” Officer: “A prostitute of course.” Me: “Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?” Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend.
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do? " First Place ," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" " First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?" They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio says "this is mine." Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Joe Biden ?" asked Pinocchio.
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. It's 11:00 AM on a Wednesday. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America." The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America ! That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American." He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?” She says, "No, I am from Africa." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African lady checks her watch and says: "Probably at work."
Tech Support: 'Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.' Customer: 'I don't have a 'P'.' Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.' Customer: 'What do you mean?' Tech Support: ''P' on your keyboard, Bob.' Customer: 'I'm not going to do that!'
The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.' 'Fine.' I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.' I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."
A dozen thoughts 1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history when you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times when I was younger that I didn't want to nap. 4. Why isn't there a sarcasm font? I really need one! 5. Why doesn't Map Quest start their directions on #5? I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood ... 6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 7. Bad decisions make good stories. 8. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 9. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu- Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again. 10. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? D@mmit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and then goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? 11. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then don't see anyone I'd like to impress the entire day. What a waste! 12. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with a Budweiser than Kay.
Frustrated, the teen storms into his sister's bedroom. "Why are adults are always asking us what we want to be when we grow up?" Without hesitation the sister replies, "It's because they’re looking for ideas.”
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
In medieval times, the town bell toller died, and the priest was looking for a replacement. The next day, a gent showed up and said he was perfect for the job. Without introducing himself, he charged up the bell tower steps, with the priest following behind. Instead of pulling the rope to ring the bell, the man backed up to the wall of the tower, put his head down, and charged like a bull at the bell. The bell rang out louder than ever before. The man shook the cobwebs out of his head, backed up, and ran at the bell and rang it a second time. The priest was impressed, but asked the man if he could do it repeatedly, because at noon, he’d have to ring the bell 12 times. The man backed up, put his head down, and ran at the bell a third time. Unfortunately, he hit off center, glancing off the bell, and fell forward, stumbling out the portico in the tower – down 100 feet to the street below. The priest ran down the stairs and out to the street in a panic, and said to the crowd gathered around, “Does anyone know this man?” A bystander said, “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.” Then… A few weeks later, another man comes by, saying his brother had been the bell ringer before he passed. He says he would like to take his brother’s place, with their family’s traditional bell ringing. The priest asks if he can do it, and to make sure he won’t die like his brother. So the man backs up and charges into the bell ringing it. He rings it four times in a row and the priest is ready to consider letting him be the permanent bell ringer when when the bell takes a wild swing and the man misses plunging to his death. The priest runs down and asks “Does anyone know this man?” To which a bystander replies “I don’t know his name, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother!”
