A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him. Officer: Father, have you been drinking? Priest: Just water. Officer: Then why do I smell wine? Priest: Good Lord! He’s done it again!
After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said: "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." But my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
Adam meets a witch. The witch tells him: “Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed”! Adam: “Sorry, but I don’t find you attractive.” Witch: “Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed! Adam: “Nope. You’re hideous.” The witch then transformed him into an ant. Witch: “Look where your rudeness brought you! ” Adam: “Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato.” Witch: “Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!” He is still adamant.
On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change. The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse. Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”
Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one', so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said. "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. "Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
Surrounded by idiots .... IDIOTS AT WORK I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longerwanted them to cross there. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.' Idiot Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?' Idiot Sighting #3: When I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up my car, I was told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!' 'I know,' answered the young man. 'I already got that side.'
I have sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee. But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Lady Luck wasn’t kind to Sam. Although he had a real zest for life, he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker, but poker did not love him. He played the stock market with great anticipation, but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low. His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups. His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive. Finally, Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course. Accordingly, a gathering was assembled to carry out Sam’s wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn, a gust of wind came up and blew Sam out of bounds.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to, of all people, a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.” Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai. The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction. A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, “What happened?” “It’s hard to say.”
A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting “Monster!” “Murderer!” “Killer!” The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect. The policeman : Tell me what happened. The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people? Suspect : Well that idiot ran towards the other 10!!!
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?" The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (*sigh*). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again (......) On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal." So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
