A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.” The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?” The guy, clearly offended, says, “”Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?” The clerk says, “Well, no.” With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?” The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot!!!"
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
A guys car broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road.Luckly there was a farm near by.He asked the farmer if he could help. The farmer said "sure just let me get my horse, Bruce. So they hooked the car up. The farmer called out to his horse,giddyup Sonya! The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Tonya! The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Bruce! The horse moved. So when they got back they fixed the mans car. The man said thank you and then asked the farmer why he called different names." Well" the farmer started, "Bruce won't do anything if he knows he's the only one doing it."
A vegan and a vegetarian are jumping off a cliff to see who will hit the bottom first. Who wins? Society.
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so. He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."
My brother was murdered today. Cop: Do you mind identifying the body? [puts hand on my shoulder] I have to warn you the body was hacked up. Me: [Tearing up] Yes, that’s my brother Reese. Cop: You’re sure? Me: [Nodding] Those are Reese’s Pieces.
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!" When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?" "For drinking." replies the cop. "Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
We've had this on the fridge for....decades Sorry condition, try to read or not, it is funny. From Dear Abby column
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement. He’s laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother. Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses. “Who are you?” the guy asks. “I’m your hip replacement!!!!”
A paraprosdokian is a sentence or statement with an unexpected ending. It means “against expectations” in Greek, and typically puts the first part of the sentence in a new and humorous context. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve. I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any. What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case. Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin. I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!” Need an ark? I Noah guy. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay. Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero. Thanks for nothing! Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?” Dad: "No sun.”
