A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his: Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?" “Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." “Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name." "Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."
Bob was an excellent golfer. He hit the ball a mile. The only problem was he was losing his vision and could never find his ball. One day upon complaining about his predicament, his wife said, “Take my dad with you, he has eyes like a hawk.” “Are you crazy?” Bob said. “Your dad is 88 years old.” “That may be true, but he can still see for miles,” she responded. Bob figured it’s worth a try, so the next day Bob went out to play golf with Jack, his father-in-law. On the first tee, he crushed his drive and as usual, had no idea where it went. “Jack, did you see that drive?” Bob asked. Jack said, “Sure did! Saw it land, bounce three times and come to a stop.” Bob thought that this was going be great. They jump in the cart and Bob said, “OK, Jack, where is it?” Jack looks at him with a blank stare and said, “I forgot.”
There was this woman who wanted a great lover and couldn't find one so she advertised in the local paper, "Good lover wanted, must be good in bed." Soon after, her door bell rang and she answered the door to find a man with no arms or legs. He says, "I'm here in response to your ad. The woman says, you have no legs or arms, how can you be good in bed? The guy with no arms or legs says, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?" Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he’s afraid of flying. “No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I’ve heard terrible things about Detroit; I’m worried about my family.” The guy tells him, “Look, it’s not at all like the rumors. I’ve lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you’ll be fine, trust me.” The other guy seems to perk up and says, “Hey, thanks man, you’ve really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?” “I’m a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…”
One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened. “You know what a foreman is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?” “What’s that got to do with it?” he asked. “Well, he just got jealous of me,” Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”
Tell this one to your female friends. Do you know why they call it PMS.......wait for it........ because "Mad Cow" had already been used! Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: “Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”
Women say they like a man who is “funny” and “spontaneous”… But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight wearing a clown costume and suddenly it’s all screaming and throwing things and police sirens!!!!
During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.” There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation. “Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.” The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably. “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’ Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
On a rural road a Missouri State Trooper pulled a farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the truck several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!" Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
DAD JOKES ・How do celebrities stay cool? They have loads of fans. ・What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1. ・What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. ・How do you organize a space party? You planet. ・What does a baby computer call his father? Data. ・Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted. ・How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 tickles. ・Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. ・What is a funny mountain called? Hill-arious. ・How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it! ・What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie? Sofishticated. ・Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. ・Where do pirates buy hooks? The second hand store. ・Why didn’t the skeleton go on the rollercoaster? It didn’t have the guts. ・What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear. .
Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mariam, age 89), living in 'The Villages' in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore and they decide go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism? Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?" Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
