Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots--one for me and one for my best buddy here." The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?" Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket. The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney. The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?" Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
So a guy takes a gorilla out golfing. They come up to the first tee and the gorilla asks, "What am I supposed to do?" The guy says, "You see that little round green spot about four hundred yards from here? You're supposed to hit the ball onto that." So the gorilla hauls off and whacks the ball and it goes screaming down the fairway and it lands on the green. The man drives his ball and it goes a hundred and fifty yards, and he hits an iron shot and a second iron shot and he lands on the green, the gorilla following along behind him. They come to the green and the gorilla says, "What do I do now?" The man says, "Now you hit it into that cup!" The gorilla says, "Why didn't you tell me that back there?"
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
My dad keeps purchasing more arctic land that he can’t afford. I’m worried he has buy polar disorder!!!!
Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "Means carrying a child."
A husband buys his wife 12 panties, all the same color. The wife asks, “Why the same color? People will think I don’t change my panties!” Husband: Which people???
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her. She said, “I have some really great news!” I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.” She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!” Then she said, “There’s more…” So I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?” She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!” Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said… “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. * The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000." The official, incredulous, says: "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? ” The Chicago contractor whispers back: "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence." And this is how you do business in Washington..... Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?” A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?” He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?” The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
A surfer gets attacked by a shark. He wakes up in hospital to see his penis fully bandaged Doctor, what is wrong with my penis? You had an accident. A shark bit you. It bit my penis off?? No, no, thank God, no! It just bit off the tip. We managed to save most of it. How much did it bite off? Well.. you had a tattoo there? Yeah? Some girl’s name, right? Amelia, was it? Sophia? Olivia? Well, all that remains is the “ia” now. Dude… the tattoo was “BORN AND RAISED IN CALIFORNIA!”
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Ralph went out for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, Bill was about to tee off in front of him. Bill took a brand new ball out of his bag, placed it on the tee and promptly sliced it into the trees. “Damn!” he said. Bill reached back into his bag and took out another brand new ball and teed it up. Thwack! He then hooked it miles into the bushes. He reached into his bag and took out another brand-new ball and teed it up. At that point, Ralph had seen enough and approached Bill. “Err, excuse me, but I notice you’re losing a lot of brand-new balls. Why don’t you use an old one?” he asked. Bill looked at Ralph and said, “Because I’ve never had one!”
One day a man accidentally overturned his golf cart while playing. A very attractive woman, and a keen golfer to boot, lived in a villa on the golf course he was playing. After hearing the commotion, the woman called out, “Are you okay? What’s your name?” “It’s Jack, and I’m okay, thanks,” the man replied. “Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later,” the woman said. “That’s mighty nice of you,” he answered,” but I don’t think my wife would like that.” “Oh, come on,” she insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive, so Jack dusted himself off and headed over to the villa. “Well okay,” he finally agreed, “but my wife won’t like it.” After a restorative whiskey, and some very helpful driving and putting lessons, Jack thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset,” he said one final time. “Don’t be silly!” the woman said with a smile. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?” “Under the cart,” Jack said.
