Three businessmen are on a plane. First guy says, "That suit looks great on you. You must be a Harvard man." Second guy says, "Yes, thank you. I did go to Harvard. And with that classy briefcase, I would guess that you went to Yale." First guy says, "Yes, I am a Yale man." They both look at the third guy, and they say, "You must have gone to the University of Minnesota." Third guy says, "Why, yes, I did. How could you tell?" "We saw your class ring when you picked your nose." Don’t get angry. I spent many years living in Minnesota. I trust we can all take a joke.
There was a pilot coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog when his instruments went out. He was circling around and he saw a tall building with a guy working alone on the top floor. He cut the engine and rolled down the window and yelled, "Hey where am I?" The man said, "You're in an airplane." The pilot made a 275 degree turn and brought the plane in for a perfect landing on the runway 5 miles away just as the fuel has run out. The passengers were amazed and asked how he did it. The pilot said, "It was easy. I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct and absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is five miles due east."
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Guy I sat next to on my way to houston on Sunday ate his cheese burger with a knife and fork, bet he thought he was pretty smart too. I wondered if he was from another country or something, but I would have to engauge in conversation and I am not that curious.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home." "Why?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?' "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get it for you!!!!
Last week I went to the gym for the first time in a long time. I asked a very muscular trainer, “Excuse me, but which one of these machines will help me get the best looking women?” He said, “The ATM outside!!!!”
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
My wife made me coffee this morning and winked at me when she handed me my cup. I've never been so scared of a drink in all of my life.
So a dog went into a bar and said, "Hey, look at me, a talking dog. How about a drink for a talking dog?" The bartender said, "Sure. The toilet's down the hall, first door to the right."
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Worse: With corrections.
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker-- "Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee please back up to the Men's Tee!" Mike, still deep in his routine, seemed impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement-- "Would the man on the Ladies Tee kindly back up to the Men's tee, PLEASE!" Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
A man walks into a bar. He orders a Martini, takes out the olive, puts it on the table and drinks it. Then he orders another one, again taking out the olive and drinking the Martini. And again, and again, and again… At the tenth Martini, the bartender becomes curious and asks: “Why are you always taking out the olive and putting it on the side?” “Well, that is quite simple”, says the man. “My wife asked me to buy a jar of olives, but the store was closed.”
A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish. She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!". She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?" The voice answered, "NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
