Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Wife gets naked & asks hubby,'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies,'Your sense of humour!'
An elderly couple was attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do? He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. “Fishing,” replied the old man. “Poor old fool” thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, “And how many have you caught?” “You’re the eighth.”
A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends. They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test. “Here’s what we’ll do,” the wife suggests. “I’ll call your friends, and you call mine. We’ll both pretend that the other person hasn’t come home yet, and that we’re worried. Whoever’s friends give the best advice about where to find us clearly know us better, and therefore are better.” The husband agrees to the game, and they both head off into separate rooms. When they reconvene a half an hour later, the husband looks defeated. “Well, honey,” he says, “I think it’s pretty clear that you have better friends. Every one of them listed each of your favorite restaurants, salons, shops, and art galleries, and they had phone numbers for each of them. They knew your work hours by heart, your office extension, your boss’s name, and even the route that you take home.” The wife shakes her head. “No, dear,” she replies, “you have better friends.” “Why do you say that?” asks the husband. “Well,” the wife replies, “most of them said that you’d been at their place, and three of them said that you were still there.”
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom. The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I ??"
The blonde had the windows in her house replaced with new double insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later she gets a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she has yet to make the first payment. The blonde replies, "don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves.
A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. One smart-*** jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."
Sunday morning the weather was too bad to play golf. I was wondering around with nothing to do when i heard the door bell ring. I opened it to see a well dressed man standing there who said, "I'm a Jehovah's Witness, do you have a moment for Jesus Christ?" With nothing else going on I said, "Come in and sit down." We sat down, I offered him a cup of coffee and asked, "What would you like to talk about?" The young man replied, "Beats the **** out of me, I've never gotten this far before."
A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blonde jokes she was repeatedly hearing. She decided that she would learn all the state capitals in an effort to defend blondes everywhere. She went home and spent the entire evening learning them all. The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she immediately retorted, "Hey ... I bet I know something that ALL of you don't know. I know ALL of the state capitals which proves that not all blondes are dumb." The people in her office were somewhat dubious. One of her co-workers finally asked, "OK ... what's the capital of Wyoming?" To which she smugly replied, "W."
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?" HAPPY THANKSGIVING ! ! ! ! !
Something I got in my Email the other day from a non facebook friend While strolling round the Toronto harbour yesterday about 11 am, I noticed a terrorist slip from the dock and fall into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown. As a responsible Canadian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept. It is now 4 pm, he has drowned, and none of the authorities has yet responded. I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the hell was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"
