A man went to the doctor with incredible gas. "Everytime I move, I fart. Everytime I talk I fart. Everytime I think, I fart! You gotta help me doc!" The doctor looked at the man, put his finger to his nose thoughtfully, then left the room. After about a minute or so, the doctor returned with a rod, three feet long with a hook on one end in his hand and looked at the man. "What for heaven's sake are you going to use that for?!" The man stammered. "I use this to open the windows! It stinks in here!!!"
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs, so he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. The curious man got out of his car and noticed that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer explained, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm gonna be a millionaire." "How do they tasted?" asked the man. "Don't know," replied the farmer, "haven't caught one yet."
Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself.""Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."Eve said, "A man! What's that?""He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed.""Sounds great!" said Eve."Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?" The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and moved over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?" With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied, "Why certainly!" The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcie, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?" Marcie grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcie said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?" Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"
A kindergarten student told his teacher that he found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," he replied innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed. "You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move."
I’ve been struggling to get my wife’s attention. So I sat down and got comfortable. . . that did the trick!!!
Little Ole decided one day to head for his favorite fishing spot down by the river. As he approached the stream located near some trees, Little Ole suddenly encountered a lady emerging from the river who had been skinny-dipping. When she spotted Little Ole, the lady ran toward an old washtub abandoned in the trees and held it in front of her to shield her modesty. As she commenced looking for her clothes, she noticed Little Ole staring at her in fascination. Sternly, she confronted Little Ole with an icy glare, saying "Young man, do you know what I'm thinking?" "Sure," said Little Ole,"Yer tinking dat washtub has a bottom on it."
"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." "It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office. At 10am, the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1pm, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
I used to work as an origami teacher but I hated it. There was too much paperwork. They’ve just opened a new restaurant Downtown. It’s called Karma and they don’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve. There’s a store on Main Street where you can get dead batteries free of charge. Why is everything delivered by ship called a cargo and yet if it’s delivered by a van it’s called a shipment? Change your password to incorrect and then if you can’t quite remember it, your computer will say your password is incorrect. I was amused to read the epitaph on the late dentist’s gravestone. It read “He’s now filling his last cavity.” Why do bees hum? Because they can never remember the words. Why are ghosts always bad liars? Because you can see right through them. What would you call someone with just a nose and no body? Nobody knows. .
