A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud. After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?
Although not in the dictionary, it is reported that "Lexophile" describes a person who loves sentences such as, "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," and "To write with a broken pencil is pointless." Here are some that you may not have previously seen: I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days." "Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. The others were surprised and asked him, “Where’s Joe?” “Joe fell and broke his leg. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied. The other hunters were even more surprised at this and asked him, “‘You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?” The hunter nodded and said, “It was a tough call, but I figured no one is going to steal Joe!”
Two guys go hunting one fine day. Bill has never been hunting before while Jim has hunted all his life. When they get to the woods, Jim tells Bill to sit by a tree and not make a sound while he checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Jim hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Bill and yells, “I thought I told you to be quiet!” Bill says, “I tried. I really did! When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, ‘Should we take them with us or eat them here?’ I couldn’t keep quiet anymore!”
Two hunters from Minnesota were dragging their dead deer back to their car one day when another hunter approached pulling his deer along too. He watched them and said, “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something but I can tell you it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.” With that he left them, still dragging his deer behind him. After a quck discussion the two rednecks decided to follow his advice. A short time later one of them said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!” The second redneck replied, “Yeah, but we’re getting farther and farther from the truck.”
WHY OLD MEN DON’T GET HIRED Job interview went like this. HR Manager: What do you see as your biggest weakness? Old Man: My honesty. HR Manager: I don’t think honesty is a weakness. Old Man: I don’t give a **** what you think!
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?
Three men found a magic lamp. They were a Texan, Canadian and a Russian. The Russian could care less and wanted to keep walking. The Canadian felt bad for whomever lost the lamp and wanted to find the owner. The Texan thought perhaps there might be a genie in it, so he rubbed it. Wouldn't you know it? Out popped a Genie! The genie was grateful and wanted to reward the three with one wish each. "I want each of you to run and as you do, yell out the thing you want to be and you will magically turn into it. The Texan thought this was all right and as he ran, he yelled out, "A majestic eagle!" Sure enough, he turned into an eagle and flew off into the sky. The Canadian thought for a second, then as he ran, he yelled out, "A powerful grizzly!" Sure enough, he turned into a 1000 pound grizzly and stomped off into the forest. The Russian, not being so smart, had a heck of a time deciding what he wanted to become. "Cigars? Nyet. Vodka?" He shook his head. "Perhaps, a Lada?" He finally decided and started off running. As he got up a good head of steam, he tripped on a rock and as he fell, he yelled out, "Crap!"
