That reminds me... A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to see who's best at his job. The test is to go into the woods, find a bear and try to convert it. After they are done the priest says, "I read to the bear from the Catechism, sprinkled him with holy water and next week is his First Communion." The minister said, "I found a bear by the stream, preached God's holy word and he let me baptize him in the river." The rabbi was bandaged from head to foot and said. "Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
A newfie hitch-hikingin the hills of Arkansas was picked up by a hillbilly who pulled a gun on him and ordered him to take a bottle of corn moonshine from the glove compartment of the car. "Drink it," the hillbilly ordered, waving the gun. The newfie took a swallow from the bottle, gasped, gulped, sobbed, blinked, wept, gagged, choked, shuddered, squirmed, and twitched. "All right," the hillbilly said. "Now you take the gun and force me to take a drink."
Mike, an avid golfer, was teeing up for a very difficult shot. At that moment a funeral procession went by. Mike stopped, stood still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head. His golfing partner looked at him and said, "Mike, that was kind and decent of you to show such respect for the dead." Mike replied, "Yes, we would have been married twenty-six years come tomorrow."
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long, flowing, white robe with a long, flowing, white beard and flowing, white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am." George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."
My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters. My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!" The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you." "Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!" The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise." "Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he."
A father bought a lie-detecting robot that slaps you if you lie. He decided to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night” he asked. “I was at the library.” the son replied. The robot slapped the son. “Okay I was at a friend’s house,” the son admitted. “Doing what? The father asked. “Watching a movie,” the son replied. “Toy Story.” The robot slapped the son. “Okay it was porn.” cried the son. “That’s disgusting.” the father yelled. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what porn was.” The robot slapped the father. The mother laughed and said, “He certainly is your son.” The robot slapped the mother.
A mother saw her two-year old son swallow a nickel. She immediately picked him up, turned him upside down and sharply hit him on the back. The child coughed up two dimes. Beside herself, she called her husband, “Little Billy just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes. What should I do?” Her husband said, “Wow, keep feeding him nickels!”
An old man (NOT this Old Man!) comes to see a urologist. “When is your earliest urination in the day and how regular is it”? – the doctor asks him. “Every day, at exactly 8:00, I urinate” – the man responds. “That’s good. How about defecation? Any obstruction”? “Every day, at exactly 8:10, I defecate, without any obstructions whatsoever” – the man responds. “That’s good, too. But why did you come to see me, then”? “Because I don’t wake up until 9:00!”
Lessons kids learn from their parents: My mother taught me Religion. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My father taught me about time travel. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My father taught me logic. "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me more logic. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My father taught me irony. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." My father taught me the circle of life. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..." My mother taught me about anticipation. "Just wait until we get home." My father taught me humor. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My mother taught me wisdom. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand. My father taught me about Justice. “One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
A little boy kept asking his grandfather to make a sound like a frog, but the old man said he was busy and refused. When the child persisted an hour later, the grandfather finally snapped, “All right Billy, why all the fuss about me making a sound like a frog?” Billy replied, “Cause Grandma said when you croak, we’re all going to Hawaii.
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved onto the next street, working furiously all day without a rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”
Brilliant! A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and ostrich come in again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker. "Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks. "Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies. "Well is he any good?" the guy asks. "Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail.
