A Newfie Letter to a son from his mom... I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can’t read very fast. We are all very well here. You won’t recognize the house when you get home because we’ve moved. I got my appendix taken out and a washing machine put in. I put shirts in it last week, pulled the chain, and haven’t seen them since. Your father’s got a really good job now. He’s got 500 men under him. He’s cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary has had her baby, but I don’t know if it’s a boy or girl, so I can’t tell you whether you’re an aunt or an uncle. Your cousin Pat died last week at the brewery. He fell into a vat of whiskey. A couple of his mates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. He was cremated on Wednesday, and it took a week to put the fire out. It only rained twice last week; once for a day and once for three days. I’ve sent you a coat, but it was too heavy for the post, so I cut the buttons off and put them in the pockets. Your brother Tom is still in the army. He’s only been there a week and they’ve already made him a court martial.
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
A man was sitting in the stands of a Stanley Cup finals game (that's hockey for you Yanks) with an empty seat beside him. Another man looks over and sees the empty seat and is incredulous. He eventually leans over and says, "Hey bud, can you imagine someone buying tickets to the Stanley Cup finals and not showing up?" The man looks over at the empty seat and answers, "Yeah, well, this seat belonged to my dear wife. We bought tickets to the finals 40 years ago, and have been coming ever since." The man feeling a little awkward responds, "You mean...she's...?" The man nods slowly and respectfully. "Yikes, sorry buddy. I didn't know." They sit in silence for a few minutes when the man leans forward again and asks, "Couldn't you find anyone to take the ticket? Friends? Relatives?" The man looks over at the empty seat then sits backs and answers, "They're all at the funeral".
I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order. "Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free." "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"
Hehe...Hey they're all Canadians on those teams aren't they? Doesn't matter anymore, the game's been ruined.
True...I find the game way to fast now. It's like watching a typical cartoon these days. The images flash back and forth so much you don't have time to ingest what's happening. I like baseball way better now.
Swamp-hold my beer I have a joke you will approve of. Can you imagine what churches would look like if they killed Jesus with a guillotine?
The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo. This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash."
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my word....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
