I went downstairs to the attached bar and had a seat. After ordering a beer, I heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, I noticed that the bar was empty except for me and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said “beautiful shirt“. At this point, I called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” I told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender. “The peanuts?” I say. “Yeah,” the bartender says. “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary. “
My son said something the other day that hit me just right...he said, "Do you want to hear some cheesy hamburger jokes?" He's normally not funny and has no clue on how to make a joke funny, but this one just got me the right way.
I got a ton, but I have to write them down because they're in books. I'll write some down and post them here.
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!!?” Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my gosh!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally Well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes Widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??” Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
At a Newfie elementary school the teacher was teaching the class about the death of JFK. She explained how someone killed the dear president and the whole country was in mourning for a along time. That was when the teacher asked the class if they knew who killed the president. Johnny put his hand and said, "it sure wasn't me!" The teacher thought little Johnny was being disrespectful so she sent him home. Once he opened the front door, his dad asked why he was home so early. Johnny explained the situation to his dad and they both marched right back to school and confronted the teacher. The teacher explained how Johnny was being disrespectful and so she decided to send him home. "Let me get this straight," said the irate dad. "You asked a question about who killed this JF Whatchamacallem, and my boy says he didn't so it. Right?" The teacher impatiently nodded. "Well, if my son said he didn't kill em', then he didn't kill em'!"
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats."
As a missionary reached an island by boat and stood on the shore watching the violent cannibal tribe rush toward him, spears and knives gleaming in the sunshine, he prayed, "Dear God, I'm as good as dead, what do I do?" The voice thundered out of the sky, "You're not dead as you suppose. Grab the large rock by your feet, and strike the leader on his head!" The missionary did as he was told and the leader fell dead at his feet to the shock and horror of the wicked tribe. As the missionary stood, rock in hand, staring at the tribe before him, the voice again thundered out of the heavens, "Now you're dead!"
A fellow walks into a restaurant in Montreal and asks for a salad and a French dressing. After some time, the waiter serves him a plate with lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes and a picture of Justin Trudeau putting on his pants.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist? A: Someone who rings your doorbell for no reason.
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit... The blonde female mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like her husband dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’ The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied... You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. ‘There’s no charge,’ she says. ‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says. ‘Honestly,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’ ‘So I just switched the heads.’
The wife and I fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper. So our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week. You know, roll reversal.
