A nurse came out of the delivery room and met the pacing newfie father and showed him three beautiful babies! The newfie looked the babies over, and with a smile, pointed to the one in the middle and said, "I'll pick that one!"
A blonde, out for a walk, comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
A newfie confronted his doctor with a complaint of pains all over his body. "Be more precise," he said. "So I can help you, try pointing to some of the places that hurt. The newfie put his finger on his arm and said, "Ouch!" then his finger to his hip and said, "Ouch!" and then to his rib cage and said, "Ouch!" again. "Okay, okay", the doctor said, "I know what's wrong." "Oh that's good! What's my problem doc?" "You're finger's broke!"
An ad ran for a 'lion tamer wanted' and two people showed up...... One is a retired golfer in his mid-fifties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun ...... Who wants to try out first?" The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the fling! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The old golfer replies, "Possibly...but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home, he noticed that she was digging through the closet, looking for something. When he asked her what she was doing, she said, "the paint can said, for best results, to use two coats."
The blonde was broke and desperate. She knocked on the door of a doctor's house and said she needed money and would be willing to work for it. The doctor asked if she would be willing to paint his porch. He would give her $50 to do it. The blonde said that would be fine. The doctor's wife said the blonde must be really dumb to do such a big job for only $50. "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" the wife asked. "I guess so," the doctor told his wife. A few minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. "All done," she said, "and by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."
Dirty Johny jokes, word of the day contagious and fascinate, couple of my favorites, based on where I heard the jokes.
I once brought home from a canada and empty box of Timmy Bits. (my name is tim) And cut a hole in that box. For those uniformed on canadian "culture" that is Tim Hortons they sell donut holes and call them Timmy Bits.
So Dirty Johny's teacher has a word of the day it was fascinate students were asked to used it in a sentence, nobody raised their hand for minutes till one lone hand was raised and it was dirty Johny, the teacher was reluctant to call on him but there were no other hands raised and the teacher ran it thru her mind and could not find a way that Dirty Johny could take the word fascinate and make it filthy like dirty Johny always did so reluctantly she called on Dirt Johny. Dirty Johny stood up and said My aunt has a sweater that has 12 buttons on it but because her tots are so big she can only fasten 8. Want to her the contagious one?
A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote: "Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia, and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” The secretary thought a moment and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
