Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. elkguide

    elkguide Grizzled Veteran

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    MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS


    1. Light travels faster than sound.
    This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



    2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


    3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


    4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.


    5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


    6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


    7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


    8. The 50-50-90 rule....
    Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
    there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.




    9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,
    someone from California or Pennsylvania would be stupid enough to try to pass them.




    10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.


    11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.


    12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.


    13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.


    14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.


    15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people,
    who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
     
  2. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Grizzled Veteran

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    Today I was saddened to hear Chuck Norris did indeed use stunt doubles in his movies……..For the crying scenes!


    Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
     
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  3. KentDorf

    KentDorf Weekend Warrior

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    that report's bogus - Chuck Norris would NEVER cry in any movie
     
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  4. elkguide

    elkguide Grizzled Veteran

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    "It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone."
    Andy Rooney

    "The older I get, the better I used to be."
    Lee Trevino

    "Grandchildren don't make a man feel old, it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother that does."
    J. Norman Collie

    "The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for."
    Will Rogers

    "The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.
    Mark Twain

    "Old people shouldn't eat healthy foods. They need all the preservatives they can get."
    Robert Orben
     
  5. Sota

    Sota Legendary Woodsman

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  6. dprsdhunter

    dprsdhunter Grizzled Veteran

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    I told my wife the mailman claims to have slept with every woman in the neighborhood except one
    My wife said it is probably the stuck up witch across the street …….


    Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
     
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  7. KentDorf

    KentDorf Weekend Warrior

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  8. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    Two cavemen are walking through the woods when the first one suddenly puts out his hand to stop the second. The first caveman points and says, “look!”
    The second caveman asks, “hmm?”

    The first caveman repeats, “look!”

    The second caveman looks closely to where the first caveman is pointing and sees a pile of poop on the ground where he had almost stepped in it. The second caveman says, “Look like poop.”

    The first caveman says, “smell.”

    The second caveman asks, “hmm?”

    The first caveman repeats, “smell!”

    The second caveman gets down on the ground close to the poop and takes a big whiff. “Smell like poop,” he says.

    “Touch,” says the first caveman.

    “Hmm?!” the second caveman asks.

    “Touch,” repeats the first caveman.

    The second caveman pokes the poop and says, “feel like poop.”

    The first caveman says, “taste.”

    The second caveman exasperatedly asks, “HMMM?!!”

    To which the first caveman repeats, “taste.”

    The second caveman reluctantly tastes his soiled finger clicking his mouth to get a clear taste. “Taste like poop,” he says.

    The first caveman says, “Good thing you no step in!!!
     
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  9. Paulcreston2023

    Paulcreston2023 Weekend Warrior

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    Well being new here, I figured to browse some of your sections and found the joke section. Hehe...right up my alley! Here's one of my favorites.

    There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his "you-know-what". So, he decided to do something about it.
    He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his "you-know-what", which he left sticking out.
    Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "you-know-what" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
    The other lady asked what she meant and she said.
    When I was 20, I was curious about it.
    When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
    When I was 40, I asked for it.
    When I was 50, I paid for it.
    When I was 60, I prayed for it.
    When I was 70, I forgot about it.
    Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat.

    :D
     
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  10. Paulcreston2023

    Paulcreston2023 Weekend Warrior

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    Q:Why should you never iron a four-leaf clover?
    A:You should never press your luck!
     
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  11. Paulcreston2023

    Paulcreston2023 Weekend Warrior

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    • The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
      When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

      She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

      Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

      "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

      "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
     
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  12. Paulcreston2023

    Paulcreston2023 Weekend Warrior

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    • Top Ten Blonde Inventions
      1) The water-proof towel
      2) Solar powered flashlight
      3) Submarine screen door
      4) A book on how to read
      5) Inflatable dart board
      6) A dictionary index
      7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
      8) Powdered water
      9)Pedal-powered wheel chair
      10) Water-proof tea bag

      Feel free to help her out! Haha!!!
     
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  13. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

    The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"
     
  14. Paulcreston2023

    Paulcreston2023 Weekend Warrior

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    • A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas.
      He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South."

      Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this Mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"

     
  15. Paulcreston2023

    Paulcreston2023 Weekend Warrior

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    • Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented by a redneck. Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was a simple deduction, "If it was invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teethbrush."

     
  16. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
     
  17. Paulcreston2023

    Paulcreston2023 Weekend Warrior

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    • Two men were hunting in the forest and accidentally got lost. They waited for a plane to look for them to take them to safety. When the plane arrived, one of the hunters said, "Shoot three times in the air. That is the distress call." So they did, and the plane flew by and didn't stop.
      The next day as the plane flew out, they shot three times in the air again, but the plane flew on and didn't stop. On the third day as the plane flew by, one hunter said, "O.K. shoot three times."

      The other hunter replied, "O.K. but we're almost out of arrows!"
     
  18. Paulcreston2023

    Paulcreston2023 Weekend Warrior

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    Being Canadian, we love our Newfie jokes. No offence is ever intended as these jokes never single out a particular person, just a stereotype. I love these jokes and find them hilarious!

    2 Newfies go fishing

    So they go to the local marina and rent a small boat. After trying several spots they find a good spot and land many nice fish.

    The guy in the front says to his buddy:

    "This is a great spot, we should mark it"

    So his pal pulls a sharpie marker out of his coat and draws a big X on the bottom of the boat.

    "That ain't gonna work, silly" says the guy in the bow.

    "Why not?" Asks the other guy.

    Bow guy responds: "We might not get the same boat next time"
     
  19. Paulcreston2023

    Paulcreston2023 Weekend Warrior

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    • A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
      The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

      The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

      There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

      The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"
     
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  20. cantexian

    cantexian Grizzled Veteran

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    What part of Canada? I grew up in Victoria, parents live in Calgary now.
     

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